Oh My Gods’ Part 3 of 3

Part 3 of my attempt to build a more rational year.

Could you imagine a more glorious empire than one which stretched from the plains of Africa to the island of Britannia?  An empire which lasted 1101 years.  An army unrivalled in strength.  Master builders whose legacy is still visible today.  Law makers whose legacy lives on.  The founders of the senate which laid the foundations for democracy.  Could you imagine these very men running out of ideas whilst naming the months of the year?  Men who had named prior months after Gods and Goddesses of sex and doorways, of Emperors and leaders, of purification running clean out of ideas and settling on numbers?

Septem, Octo, Novem, Decem.  Seven, eight, nine, ten.  Disappointed?  I am.  This journey which has led me to seek out the origins of each month in an attempt to better understand the time we live in has led me to the discovery than the men who invented the calendar which we use were unimaginative idiots.  I am sure some of you are saying but ‘December is the twelfth month’.  And you are indeed right.  These months hark back to the days when the calendar year was thought to be only ten months long.  When the calendar was extended they showed all the laziness we come to associate with mediterreaneans and kept the same names.  And that my friends won’t do at all.

September is a month which has significance to those who possess certain lifestyles.  It is after all the month when kids all over the world go back to school and parents manage to reclaim some semblance of their sanity.  The older I become the more noticeable it is that kids today lack an enthusiasm towards their education.  Therefore I shall give September a name which will give the children a zeal towards their education as well as one which resonates a great deal with their parents.  From this day forth September shall be known as Fuckyeamber.

October is a month with historical connotations to the Russian revolution and that won’t do at all.  Personally I would be all in favour of getting rid of October once and for all if it wasn’t for the fact that my better half has her birthday then.  As I trawled mindless websites hunting for what I hoped would be inspiration enough to invent a month worthy of the love of my life I stumbled across  a caveat of such beauty that it brought a tear to my eye.  We as a couple are engaged in long running swine war with some very dear friends.  The war involves bestowing swine related gifts upon each other until either side capitulates.  So imagine how delighted I was to discover that October in America is also known as National Pork Month.  Therefore in the name of honest Swinery October from this day forth will be known as Porktober.

November as the month which ushered the inventor of the Scottorian calendar into existence should be a sombre occasion to commemorate such a life.  However only a complete zealot would name a month after themselves.  As egotistical as I am there is something which I, as any normal man, loves more than oneself.  And that my friends is the humble moustache.  Since the invention of Movember I have been alarmed by the number of people who don’t understand that a moustache is for life and not just the month before Christmas.  In an attempt to help the human race better appreciate the glory of the hallowed lipwig, from this day forth November shall be known as Movember and all men, women and children shall be expected to wear a moustache upon their personage at all times.  Those of us whose faces are folically challenged will have to get by with false moustaches or face the consequences next Midsomer Murder Month.

December is a month so loved that its divided numerous ways.  The most obvious fact regarding December whether you are Christian, agnostic or an atheist is that December is about bearded men doing improbable magic tricks.  Whether Jesus loves you or you love Santa it seems that December is a time somewhat over run by hidden agendas.  Whether the agendas belong to the Vatican which wants you to worship harder, or American corporations which want to brainwash your children until they are convinced that without the apple 3.5g their lives will never be fulfilling, either way its wrong and we all know it.  December was never a time for joyous celebration. For centuries it has been a time of cold dark nights, and days where the weather is often so miserable that people resent their very existences.  The wise among us get mindlessly drunk without even a hint of celebration and that my friends is exactly what December should truly be about, being drunk and miserable.  From this moment on December shall be known as Drunkember.  Any responsible member of society will do their level best to maintain a level of sobriety which would make Oliver Reed look upon them with envy.

And that concludes my rational year.  I hope that the next year will make much more sense now that you have the quite sensible Scottorian Calendar to follow.  If any of you out there wish to nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize, I promise I will mention you in my acceptance speech.

For the last time, lets recap the Scottorian Calendar.

Cabbage

January

March

May

Midsomer Murder Month

Sextillis

Fuckyeamber

Porktober

Movember

Drunkember

(The first 6 months will each contain an extra 10 days)

(Most) research taken from Wikipedia
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