Oh My Gods’ Part 2 Of 3

Part 2 of my attempt to build a more rational year.

May is named after the Greek goddess of fertility Maia.  Was May originally a month of orgies and debauchery?  I have no idea.  However one thing I am certain of is that both the Romans and the Greeks were dirty old perverts so its more than possible.  Or perhaps it was the month in which women laid with their husbands in an attempt to get pregnant.  Any which way it was a month devoted to filth, and I am all for it.

June is named after the Roman goddess Juno, wife of Jupiter.  That’s right she was famous for being a wife.  Essentially she was the Roman religious equivalent of a minister without a portfolio.  She tended to fill in the bits which they didn’t yet have a goddess for.  Her most amusing epithet relates to her central role as the Goddess of marriage – ‘she who loosens the bride’s girdle’.  It’s on these grounds that I am stripping her of her month.  June is as pointless as Juno and hereby removed from the Scottorian calendar.

July was greatly messed about with and eventually named in tribute of Julius Caesar.  A man so loved that he was murdered by his own senate.  This set me thinking and I believe I have found a great way of getting the crime rate down.  In a tribute to Caesar we should allow murders for the month of July.  This way people can get it out of their systems.  Rather than risk going to prison the rest of the year, they will instead spend eleven months planning it.  We can rename it Midsomer Murder Month.

August was originally named Sextillis, which is my mind is a far superior name.  Eventually it was renamed in honour of another emperor Augustus, as it was during this calendar month when he conquered Egypt.  A month named after a man who no one has ever made a film about is absolutely pointless.  The fact that it has nothing to do with sex, doorways or cabbage also displeases me greatly, therefore I am going to revert back to its original name.

Lets recap the new Scottorian calendar





Midsomer Murder Month


Each of these months shall contain an extra ten days, this way no one will even notice the disappearance of April and June.

Tune in next time for September, October, November, December

All research taken from Wikipedia

2 thoughts on “Oh My Gods’ Part 2 Of 3

  1. Well, you’ve just deprived your goddaughter of the possibility to celebrate her birthday in the month of June! Please, consider family events next time you decide to reinvent the calendar.


  2. How very pessimistic of you dear! I am surprised that you have failed to identify what a wonderful Godparent I am. By depriving the lovely long legged lady of her birthday I am in actual fact bestowing the greatest gift any man can give a woman upon her very being. I have given her eternal youth. Now she will never get older.


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