The Timeless Timekeeping And Timing Of Timepieces

I haven’t lost my mind.  By outward appearances I can understand why some people would draw that conclusion, however it is unquestionably without foundation.  The reason for my redesign of the calendar year was simply motivated by a desire to demonstrate just how silly time actually is.  I suppose I better explain myself.

The fact is that our method of measuring time is somewhat fallible.  Twice a year we gain and lose hours whilst every four years we gain an extra day.  Time is an imperfect measurement, which means that attaching any proper meaning to time is as senseless as time itself.

My first novel is about a country where time is suddenly altered, albeit temporarily.  In the background of the story I attempt to answer a number of questions about the nature of time, and how many of us would have great difficulty functioning without it.  I can already hear a number of you scoffing at the very suggestion.  The fact remains that most of you are quite probably convinced that the vast majority of what we presume to be civilisation follows the same calendar and the same ‘mean’ time, and that my friends is where the problem begins.

From the 196 countries which divide this planet only 70 utilise Daylight Saving Time which works out to roughly 36% of the Earth.  Which means it’s an idiosyncrasy on our part.  What was initially a perfectly valiant idea is now nothing more than the legacy of a time which lacked imagination.  I am all for having as much sunshine as possible, but what is the point when the vast majority of society is working during those hours.  It doesn’t matter if a person goes home when it is dark or slightly less dark.  The point is that there are plenty of alternatives.  A simple solution is for businesses and schools to open earlier.  Rather than running from 9 to 5 why not from 7 to 3?  After all we are the masters of time.

Of course just because hours are silly it doesn’t mean that days months and years are, after all we all follow the same calendar don’t we?  We follow the Gregorian calendar.  However a great number of Islamic nations follow the Hijri Calendar which counts the year as 354 days long.  Aside from having a shorter year it’s also worth bearing in mind that its 1433 and not 2012.  Then there are the hindu calendars includine Vikram Samvat, the calendar of Nepal which is already into 2068(and still no flying cars), the Shaka Samvat of India is in 1934 and the Kali Yuga which is in 5113.  Of course we must not forget when Julius Caesar got bored and did the same as me which worked out for about 1500 years until scholars realised it was 11 minutes too long.  Many Hebrews is Israel believe that they are living in the year 5772.  Not because they are barking made but because there calendar tells them so.  In China its 4649,  in Iran and some parts of Afghanistan they follow the Persian Calendar and are currently enjoying the year 1390, in Ethiopia they enjoy a 13th month and are having a merry 2004, in Thailand they are partying like its 2555 and finally we have the Bahai’s who are the furthest back in the year 168.

Time is not a solid substance, it is not real, it is an invention of man.  It is nothing more than a measurement, most commonly used to measure how quickly we die.  It is imaginary.  A man-made phenomenon.  Nobody should live a life dictated by time because there is no such thing.  It is all in our minds.  Only those of you who learn to forget about times very existence will ever be able to have the time of their lives.

To assist those of you willing to relinquish the shackles of time I have composed a short phrasebook with appropriate translations.

I didn’t have time – Your request was not sufficiently interesting enough for me to break my everyday routine.

In my free time I like to – The things I actually enjoying doing are…..

It was a waste of time – It was as much fun as being mounted by a wild bull elephant.

There is no time like the present – I suppose I/We should do it now despite the fact it gives me as much pleasure as sitting a top a porcupine.

Time is money – If you wish for me to continue listening to your pathetic ramblings you better pay me.

Time flies when you are having fun – Please don’t continue with your story, although your anecdotes are occasionally witty, if you continue with this one I shall be forced to set fire to your face.

Oh My Gods’ Part 3 of 3

Part 3 of my attempt to build a more rational year.

Could you imagine a more glorious empire than one which stretched from the plains of Africa to the island of Britannia?  An empire which lasted 1101 years.  An army unrivalled in strength.  Master builders whose legacy is still visible today.  Law makers whose legacy lives on.  The founders of the senate which laid the foundations for democracy.  Could you imagine these very men running out of ideas whilst naming the months of the year?  Men who had named prior months after Gods and Goddesses of sex and doorways, of Emperors and leaders, of purification running clean out of ideas and settling on numbers?

Septem, Octo, Novem, Decem.  Seven, eight, nine, ten.  Disappointed?  I am.  This journey which has led me to seek out the origins of each month in an attempt to better understand the time we live in has led me to the discovery than the men who invented the calendar which we use were unimaginative idiots.  I am sure some of you are saying but ‘December is the twelfth month’.  And you are indeed right.  These months hark back to the days when the calendar year was thought to be only ten months long.  When the calendar was extended they showed all the laziness we come to associate with mediterreaneans and kept the same names.  And that my friends won’t do at all.

September is a month which has significance to those who possess certain lifestyles.  It is after all the month when kids all over the world go back to school and parents manage to reclaim some semblance of their sanity.  The older I become the more noticeable it is that kids today lack an enthusiasm towards their education.  Therefore I shall give September a name which will give the children a zeal towards their education as well as one which resonates a great deal with their parents.  From this day forth September shall be known as Fuckyeamber.

October is a month with historical connotations to the Russian revolution and that won’t do at all.  Personally I would be all in favour of getting rid of October once and for all if it wasn’t for the fact that my better half has her birthday then.  As I trawled mindless websites hunting for what I hoped would be inspiration enough to invent a month worthy of the love of my life I stumbled across  a caveat of such beauty that it brought a tear to my eye.  We as a couple are engaged in long running swine war with some very dear friends.  The war involves bestowing swine related gifts upon each other until either side capitulates.  So imagine how delighted I was to discover that October in America is also known as National Pork Month.  Therefore in the name of honest Swinery October from this day forth will be known as Porktober.

November as the month which ushered the inventor of the Scottorian calendar into existence should be a sombre occasion to commemorate such a life.  However only a complete zealot would name a month after themselves.  As egotistical as I am there is something which I, as any normal man, loves more than oneself.  And that my friends is the humble moustache.  Since the invention of Movember I have been alarmed by the number of people who don’t understand that a moustache is for life and not just the month before Christmas.  In an attempt to help the human race better appreciate the glory of the hallowed lipwig, from this day forth November shall be known as Movember and all men, women and children shall be expected to wear a moustache upon their personage at all times.  Those of us whose faces are folically challenged will have to get by with false moustaches or face the consequences next Midsomer Murder Month.

December is a month so loved that its divided numerous ways.  The most obvious fact regarding December whether you are Christian, agnostic or an atheist is that December is about bearded men doing improbable magic tricks.  Whether Jesus loves you or you love Santa it seems that December is a time somewhat over run by hidden agendas.  Whether the agendas belong to the Vatican which wants you to worship harder, or American corporations which want to brainwash your children until they are convinced that without the apple 3.5g their lives will never be fulfilling, either way its wrong and we all know it.  December was never a time for joyous celebration. For centuries it has been a time of cold dark nights, and days where the weather is often so miserable that people resent their very existences.  The wise among us get mindlessly drunk without even a hint of celebration and that my friends is exactly what December should truly be about, being drunk and miserable.  From this moment on December shall be known as Drunkember.  Any responsible member of society will do their level best to maintain a level of sobriety which would make Oliver Reed look upon them with envy.

And that concludes my rational year.  I hope that the next year will make much more sense now that you have the quite sensible Scottorian Calendar to follow.  If any of you out there wish to nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize, I promise I will mention you in my acceptance speech.

For the last time, lets recap the Scottorian Calendar.

Cabbage

January

March

May

Midsomer Murder Month

Sextillis

Fuckyeamber

Porktober

Movember

Drunkember

(The first 6 months will each contain an extra 10 days)

(Most) research taken from Wikipedia

Oh My Gods’ Part 2 Of 3

Part 2 of my attempt to build a more rational year.

May is named after the Greek goddess of fertility Maia.  Was May originally a month of orgies and debauchery?  I have no idea.  However one thing I am certain of is that both the Romans and the Greeks were dirty old perverts so its more than possible.  Or perhaps it was the month in which women laid with their husbands in an attempt to get pregnant.  Any which way it was a month devoted to filth, and I am all for it.

June is named after the Roman goddess Juno, wife of Jupiter.  That’s right she was famous for being a wife.  Essentially she was the Roman religious equivalent of a minister without a portfolio.  She tended to fill in the bits which they didn’t yet have a goddess for.  Her most amusing epithet relates to her central role as the Goddess of marriage – ‘she who loosens the bride’s girdle’.  It’s on these grounds that I am stripping her of her month.  June is as pointless as Juno and hereby removed from the Scottorian calendar.

July was greatly messed about with and eventually named in tribute of Julius Caesar.  A man so loved that he was murdered by his own senate.  This set me thinking and I believe I have found a great way of getting the crime rate down.  In a tribute to Caesar we should allow murders for the month of July.  This way people can get it out of their systems.  Rather than risk going to prison the rest of the year, they will instead spend eleven months planning it.  We can rename it Midsomer Murder Month.

August was originally named Sextillis, which is my mind is a far superior name.  Eventually it was renamed in honour of another emperor Augustus, as it was during this calendar month when he conquered Egypt.  A month named after a man who no one has ever made a film about is absolutely pointless.  The fact that it has nothing to do with sex, doorways or cabbage also displeases me greatly, therefore I am going to revert back to its original name.

Lets recap the new Scottorian calendar

Cabbage

January

March

May

Midsomer Murder Month

Sextillis

Each of these months shall contain an extra ten days, this way no one will even notice the disappearance of April and June.

Tune in next time for September, October, November, December

All research taken from Wikipedia

Oh My Gods’ Part 1 Of 3

The New Year has started off in incredibly uninspiring fashion in the sense that very little has happened to inspire me.  It was whilst toying with my lack of inspiration when I decided that my problem may be the fault of the month of January.  I started idly browsing through my calendar and as expected found that very little happens aside from a few notable personal anniversaries.  With this thought in my head I found myself wondering if it was perhaps that I don’t understand January, and therefore cannot appreciate her.  There was only one solution.  Research.

January is named after Janus, the god of the doorway.  I don’t know what troubles me the most about this very statement.  Clearly January has origins which date back to roman times when polytheism was still rampant, before any God laid claim to a monopoly.  However I always thought that roman gods were for more important things than doorways.  I can’t help but wonder what exactly happened in a doorway at some point in history to make King Numa Pompilius name a month after Janus?  Was there a lobby group of door manufacturers bribing members of the senate?  What on earth are we meant to do nowadays?  I live in a flat.  I don’t have a doorway.  How am I supposed to celebrate January?  I must clearly be doing it wrong.

February was named after the Latin term februum which means purification in honour of an old roman purification ritual.  This confuses me slightly as it has nothing to do with any Gods’.  Rationally speaking February surely would be better in January’s place as thousands of people try to purify themselves with any number of New Year’s resolutions.  Another thing caught my eye.  Europeans are always obsessing how we English do our best to try to distance ourselves from the continent and whenever I get the opportunity I like to prove how wrong they are.  Therefore I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the old English word for February was Kale-monath which means cabbage.

March is most famously named after the Roman God of War and inventor of that fantastic chocolate and caramel combination, Mars.  Interesting March used to be the first month of the year despite the fact it has absolutely nothing to do with doorways.  The God of War should be a pretty cool God with a big sword, an icy glare and a beard which could make men weep tears of jealousy.  Unfortunately he was a part-time agricultural guardian, wore a skirt and didn’t even possess a sword.  And his beard was barely average.

April is even less clear in origin.  The traditional etymology is from the Latin aperire meaning to open, a reference to the pre-global warming era when trees and flowers begin ‘to open’ or blossom.  Nowadays thanks to Al Gore and his ilk we are all too aware that we shouldn’t be surprised to see tulips in november.  In all honestly the world warming up(to be fair I do live in Poland) isn’t such a bad thing.  Regardless of the climate changes it is clear that April is no longer needed as a month so I propose removing it completely.

Lets recap the new Scottorian calendar.

February or Cabbage as it shall now be known.

January

March

Each of those new months shall have an extra ten days, that way we won’t even notice the absence of April, after all nothing important happens then anyway.

Tune in next time for May, June, July and August

All research taken from Wikipedia.