Oh My Gods’ Part 3 of 3

Part 3 of my attempt to build a more rational year.

Could you imagine a more glorious empire than one which stretched from the plains of Africa to the island of Britannia?  An empire which lasted 1101 years.  An army unrivalled in strength.  Master builders whose legacy is still visible today.  Law makers whose legacy lives on.  The founders of the senate which laid the foundations for democracy.  Could you imagine these very men running out of ideas whilst naming the months of the year?  Men who had named prior months after Gods and Goddesses of sex and doorways, of Emperors and leaders, of purification running clean out of ideas and settling on numbers?

Septem, Octo, Novem, Decem.  Seven, eight, nine, ten.  Disappointed?  I am.  This journey which has led me to seek out the origins of each month in an attempt to better understand the time we live in has led me to the discovery than the men who invented the calendar which we use were unimaginative idiots.  I am sure some of you are saying but ‘December is the twelfth month’.  And you are indeed right.  These months hark back to the days when the calendar year was thought to be only ten months long.  When the calendar was extended they showed all the laziness we come to associate with mediterreaneans and kept the same names.  And that my friends won’t do at all.

September is a month which has significance to those who possess certain lifestyles.  It is after all the month when kids all over the world go back to school and parents manage to reclaim some semblance of their sanity.  The older I become the more noticeable it is that kids today lack an enthusiasm towards their education.  Therefore I shall give September a name which will give the children a zeal towards their education as well as one which resonates a great deal with their parents.  From this day forth September shall be known as Fuckyeamber.

October is a month with historical connotations to the Russian revolution and that won’t do at all.  Personally I would be all in favour of getting rid of October once and for all if it wasn’t for the fact that my better half has her birthday then.  As I trawled mindless websites hunting for what I hoped would be inspiration enough to invent a month worthy of the love of my life I stumbled across  a caveat of such beauty that it brought a tear to my eye.  We as a couple are engaged in long running swine war with some very dear friends.  The war involves bestowing swine related gifts upon each other until either side capitulates.  So imagine how delighted I was to discover that October in America is also known as National Pork Month.  Therefore in the name of honest Swinery October from this day forth will be known as Porktober.

November as the month which ushered the inventor of the Scottorian calendar into existence should be a sombre occasion to commemorate such a life.  However only a complete zealot would name a month after themselves.  As egotistical as I am there is something which I, as any normal man, loves more than oneself.  And that my friends is the humble moustache.  Since the invention of Movember I have been alarmed by the number of people who don’t understand that a moustache is for life and not just the month before Christmas.  In an attempt to help the human race better appreciate the glory of the hallowed lipwig, from this day forth November shall be known as Movember and all men, women and children shall be expected to wear a moustache upon their personage at all times.  Those of us whose faces are folically challenged will have to get by with false moustaches or face the consequences next Midsomer Murder Month.

December is a month so loved that its divided numerous ways.  The most obvious fact regarding December whether you are Christian, agnostic or an atheist is that December is about bearded men doing improbable magic tricks.  Whether Jesus loves you or you love Santa it seems that December is a time somewhat over run by hidden agendas.  Whether the agendas belong to the Vatican which wants you to worship harder, or American corporations which want to brainwash your children until they are convinced that without the apple 3.5g their lives will never be fulfilling, either way its wrong and we all know it.  December was never a time for joyous celebration. For centuries it has been a time of cold dark nights, and days where the weather is often so miserable that people resent their very existences.  The wise among us get mindlessly drunk without even a hint of celebration and that my friends is exactly what December should truly be about, being drunk and miserable.  From this moment on December shall be known as Drunkember.  Any responsible member of society will do their level best to maintain a level of sobriety which would make Oliver Reed look upon them with envy.

And that concludes my rational year.  I hope that the next year will make much more sense now that you have the quite sensible Scottorian Calendar to follow.  If any of you out there wish to nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize, I promise I will mention you in my acceptance speech.

For the last time, lets recap the Scottorian Calendar.





Midsomer Murder Month






(The first 6 months will each contain an extra 10 days)

(Most) research taken from Wikipedia

Thoughts From The Winners Podium

Yesterday I finished my 50,000 word NaNoWriMo novel.  I am now officially a winner.  And I am not sure what I feel.  The last 5k was somewhat haggard as I hit the wall at the 45k mark.  Having quickly realised that I didn’t have time to be methodical I wrote a prologue and an epilogue to help me stagger over the finish line.  Today is the first morning where I don’t have to write, yet here I am, a literary crack head.

Every day for the last twenty-nine I have woken up and engaged myself in the life of others.  Today I shall not.  My plan for the next week is to submit my first novel to the next agent, write nothing and read a little.  First I shall re-read the excellent Dice Man by Luke Rhineheart, and then hopefully having grown some distance to myself will I start to look at if anything can come out of November’s madness.

My doubts are not due to the nature of NaNoWriMo but more due to the fact that I have written a novel which finishes in 50,000 words, which in my opinion is far to short for most publishers.  Ideally 80k is a minimum.  I am not convinced by the idea of increasing the size of the story by an extra 50%, as at 50k the story seems to evolve quite naturally.  Whether my opinion will change at some point I don’t know.

Another question is what I do with this blog.  Having initially promised myself that I would resign from it on my 31st birthday, here I am.  I will think that over through December and make a decision in the new year.

I suppose the biggest positive to come out of November is the fact that I can say that I have written two novels.  For the first time I find myself feeling like a novelist as opposed to someone who has written a novel.  The only question now is whether they will ever see the light of day.  For the time being I can remain confident in the fact that I am, and I probably will always remain a literary failure.

10,000 Words

In 6 days of writing I have comfortably broken the 10,000 word barrier.  I can now say to myself that I am 20% finished.  It is a pretty awesome, awe-inspiring feeling as it makes be believe that writing a 50,000 word novel in a month is well within the reams of possibility.  The fact that NaNoWriMo gives you daily word targets gives you a greater sense of exactly where you are in regards to completing your novel which in turn helps you keep your feet on your ground, and keep you focused.

At the moment I feel this project is far removed, and so different from anything I have ever written in my life.  Whether it will end up as a failed experiment or something I can be proud of I don’t know.  It’s exciting to be working on something which is pushing me as a writer.  It is a million miles from my comfort zone.  I have banned myself from reading it, and I shall do my level best to resist the temptation until November is finished, this way I can be assured that there will be at least one person excited to read it.

In the last update I was talking about how unusual words can come up when you write and grab your attention.  The recent word which has fascinated me is ‘lambasted’.  When you read it with a southern english accent it sounds like it means ‘to break something with a young sheep’.

It’s On

Today the starting pistol was fired for NaNoWriMo.  I wouldn’t say my start was a flyer, alas it wasn’t too bad either.  1700 words in on what will be a 50,000 word journey is quite an intimidating thought.  I feel like I am standing in front of Everest.  I am scared but also exhilarated.  I am the master of my fate for the next month.  Come the end of November, if I fail I shall only have myself to blame.   I shall try to keep posting on my blog, obviously I shan’t have so much time, at the least I shall keep adding progress reports.

It’s a strange irony that the 1st of November is not only the day I have started my novel, but it is also the day of the dead here in Poland.  As death is a key theme in this project, and death is absolutely everywhere, it’s hard to actually think of much else.  I intend on writing a more detailed post about this peculiar Polish holiday later in the week.  What I will say for now is that it the inspiration is working for me.

One of the many wonders of writing for me is when you find yourself typing a word that you seldom use.  So much so that when you say the word aloud it makes you smile.  Todays word was ‘skittish’.  Is it me or does it sound a little like a nationality?  Maybe it’s used to describe people from St Kitts?  Anyway, enough of my nonsense, I have to get ready to join the real world.

Two And A Half Days Until Lift Off

As I previously mentioned, I have signed up to http://www.nanowrimo.org and have every intention of writing a 50,000 word novel in November.  I am pumped and can’t wait for Tuesday to come around so I can get started.  You can still sign up for a month of madness, so if you haven’t already put your name down for passage on this fantastic voyage do it now.  You know you want to.

I have decided upon my subject for November.  I feel it is quirky enough to get 50,000 words from.  Not only that I get to fulfill a long-held personal ambition.  Since I decided to participate I have had an idea in my head which has already started to take on a life of its own.  I know that between now and the time I finished this project I will not be able to sleep.  Today I filled in my synopsis on the NaNoWriMo website so I feel able to publicly share the very loose basis for the project.  Of course it may change a thousand times through November but for today it is correct.  So here you are, the brief outline to my new novel.  Are you sitting comfortably?

There are three things which can irrevocably change a man’s life. Death, God and saying the wrong thing at precisely the wrong moment. Unfortunately for Professor Henry Tomlinson he has recently experienced all three. As Henry desperately tries to cling onto the remnants of his sanity he gets pursued by ninjas, hunted by journalists and stalked by priests. Can Henry get through this ordeal without losing his mind, and if he does what kind of Henry Tomlinson will remain?