Category: Novel News

April Foolishness

Yesterday, as most of you are aware, was April Fools’ Day.  Therefore I must point out that my post about ‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ was a joke.  I don’t know whether I should be proud or ashamed of the fact that roughly 10% of you lovely, lovely people clicked on the pre-order link.  For your sakes I hope it was nothing more than morbid curiosity which drove you to such silliness.

Keeping with my tradition of trying to keep my blog posts informative, I would like to inform you that I have almost nothing to inform you about.  Only that Alejandro Elbuho has moved to a new Internest.  Until next time, make love not war.

Announcing My New Book

Ladies and Gentleman, I am delighted to announce my new book ‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ will be released on May 28th by Twickenham Press.  Rather than rant too much about how brilliant I am, why not just read the extract below.

“Is that a sausage in your mouth or are you just pleased to see me?”  Count Yussuf Larkee turned around to see a man dressed as a biker, wearing more leather than the average cow, attired with a handlebar moustache of such dimensions that it looked as if the mans lips were struggling to bear the weight of it.  The Count knew that it was now or never.  Could he tell?  Should he tell?  Inside he felt it would be wonderful if he could, even momentarily unburden himself from his secret.  But how could this man understand?  This pulsating, sweating stinking man know what it feels like to spend your whole life living a lie?  Surely there was no one on earth who felt the way he did. Something clicked in his mind, and with all the assurance of a Dodo on a diving board he took a deep breath and did the unspeakable.

“No, it’s the severed arm of a car crash victim I picked up earlier.  I’m not eating it by the way, I’m just sucking the blood out of it.  See, I’ve, erm I mean I’m, well, I, am a…”‘  mumbled the Count weakly.

”Where did you buy that sparkly eye make up, you look so good I could eat you?”‘  Before he could utter a word in response, the Count’s nerves took control and he turned into a bat.

‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ tells the story of the first vampire to come out of the closet.  It features sequins, stereotypes, awful writing, no plotline to speak of and a great deal of homo-eroticism.  In other words it’s guaranteed to be an instant hit.  If you don’t believe me check out the great cover design some bloke, somewhere in a dark cubicle of an office made for me.

vampires

And if that doesn’t convince you, here are a few reviews from some well-known celebrities that I have never ever met and have definitely never read this book.

”A brilliantly, original concept.  If only I had Scott Andrews’ wonderful imagination.” – Stephanie Meyer

“This will do to gayness what Harry Potter did for nerdiness.” – Stephen Fry

“I am so proud of my son.” – Pope Francis I

You can pre-order the book direct from the publisher by clicking on this link

So there you have it, get ordering, get sparkly and get ready.  Thank you in anticipation of your support, and I look forward to your feedback.  I’m sure together we can make ‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ a bestseller.

January Sales

Good news my kindlings, kobos, space-age fruit, or whatever form of electronic device you prefer to read on.  To celebrate the fact that ‘Existence Is Futile’ has passed 2,500 likes on Facebook, I have decided to slash the price of the e-book like I’m Freddy Krueger on  amphetamines.

In the U.S of A and India the price is due to fall below $5 which is cheaper than a … nevermind.  On the beautiful island of Britannica you will be able to buy the e-book for less than half the price of a pack of cigarettes.  Europe is closing on 5 euros which one day will be worth as much money as a single slice of Edam.  In Japan the price will drop below 500 yen.  In Brasil, less than  a bottle of rum.  And in Canada less than a tin of maple syrup.

And if that isn’t enough I am still looking for reviewers on Goodreads.  If you want to become one, you could get the book for free.  Click here for more.

You have so many ways to get my book, it would be a crime not too.  After all it’s January, everyone is staying home and saving money.  So why not stay home with a good book?  And if you cannot find a good book, why not try ‘Existence Is Futile’ 😛

Reviewers Wanted

One of the hardest things about publishing a book is the waiting.  The waiting begins with the first submission and continues even after you have published it.  It’s an incredibly frustrating process, which is often drawn out by factors which aren’t immediately obvious to any observer.  Therefore at times it requires taking a blind leap of faith every now and then.  Which is what I am trying to do right now.

I know I have sold copies.  I know people are creatures of habit.  It is very hard to persuade someone who has never written a review for any product to do it for my book.  I know in many cases people haven’t even got around to reading my book.  It just sits on the bookshelf naked and vulnerable like a third testicle being examined by a doctor.

The problem, in my case at least, is that I do not have a million dollar marketing budget.  I rely absolutely on word of mouth.  The 21st century upgrade to word of mouth is rating and reviewing on the internet.  If people don’t do it, then ‘Existence Is Futile’ will go by largely ignored.  Therefore I ask each of you that have finished reading my book to take 5 minutes to review it on Amazon or Goodreads or wherever you find the possibility, as it truly is YOUR REVIEWS which can persuade a stranger to read my book.

As Queen Victoria used to say ‘If you don’t ask you don’t get, and if you sit on your hands you may well end up feeling an arse.’  That’s why I have decided to increase my chances of success by giving away 10 ebooks to willing reviewers.  If you want to become one, please send me a message on Goodreads stating your preferred e-book format and method of delivery e.g. Smashwords coupon or email and I will happily oblige.  My only requirement is that you write a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads when you finish.  If you cannot decide whether ‘Existence Is Futile’ is worth your time, why not check what others have said already:

Amazon

Goodreads

And now get on with it!

Pinteresting, Very Pinteresting

Yesterday I reluctantly signed up for yet another social network.  I have already long past the point of actively being able to remember my own passwords for social platforms, as there are so many that have crashed and burned, and appeared, and disappeared that I can hardly keep count.  So believe me when I say I am absolutely sick of the numerous forms of social media.  The trouble is with a book to promote, they are a necessary evil.

I am now a proud owner of a Pinterest account.  The reason I signed up for Pinterest was not due to any kind of curiosity.  The idea of a social media site where people just share pictures reminded me of someplace else.  Bizarrely, the someplace else in question drove me to it.  The ‘Existence Is Futile’ Facebook page provides me with user statistics showing various demographic data about visitors to the page.  Interestingly, the majority of ‘Likes’ come from women aged between 28-35.  Can you name a social media site where 80% of its users are female and the majority of those are between 23-34?  That’s right, it’s Pinterest.

The concept of Pinterest is straightforward.  As opposed to merely liking something you can pin it to a number of boards.  You can choose the theme of these boards.  You can upload your own pins, or pin things from almost anywhere on the net.  If people like it they will repin it to theirs.  And that’s it.  Sounds simple doesn’t it?  Then if it’s so simple how can you use it to try to create something interesting in the name of book.  After all my book has words and not pictures.

After giving it some thought I realised that Pinterest offers me a unique opportunity.  I have used Pinterest to create a mini-tour of the locations which my main character visits.  I have also uploaded a few other bits and pieces which relate to the writing and publishing process, which would have seemed inappropriate via other mediums.  If you have read ‘Existence Is Futile’ already, make sure you take a look as it will provide you with a chance to see where the story took place.  And if if you haven’t read it yet, have a look anyway as it will give you some insights into the plot of the book.

To check out my Pinterest Virtual Tour of ‘Existence Is Futile’ click here
To read more about the demographics behind Pinterest click here