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Coming Soon…

When my mother suggested that I try to write a costume drama, I don’t think she meant a short story about three men in fancy-dress at a Halloween party.  Therefore I suspect she may not enjoy my new short story, entitled ‘All Hallows’ Eve’.

Recently I realised that I haven’t written anything new in bloody ages, so I decided to commemorate a year since ‘Existence Is Futile’ hit people’s bookshelves by writing a short story to publish and give away for free.  The trouble is, giving away things for free is not that easy anymore.  The likes of Amazon, and Apple do not allow independent writers to publish their work for free.  In fact it massively limits your ability to reach readers.  When I first wrote ‘The Story of Albert Ross’ I had hoped to do the same.  In the end I decided to put it our for the absolute minimum to enable the story to get  the widest possible availability.  This time, I really want to do this as a thank you to all of you wonderful people out there that have volunteered your own time to read something with my name on.  It means a lot, but mostly it means that you are awesome.

To celebrate the forthcoming release of ‘All Hallows’ Eve’ I would like to… drumroll please… present the cover which will be appearing all over the internets very soon All Hallows' Eve

I don’t have a release date yet, so you will have to keep checking back here.  I hope to have a final version uploaded to smashwords.com by the end of the week.  It will be free, although you will need to sign up for an account, if you haven’t already.  And for those of you that haven’t yet picked up ‘Existence Is Futile’, I have some good news.  I have added the first few chapters to the end of this short story as a sample, in the hope that I can yet persuade you to invest in a book  featuring ninjas and absolutely no jokes about toilets.

Much Ado About Nothing

I have been quieter than a mouse with a throat infection as of late, as there really hasn’t been that much going on. However there have been some bits and pieces and that is reason enough to write a short post.

First up, on a personal note I am relieved to have finally passed my driving test.  I have spent most of the last week visiting family in England, which was strange considering I am now qualified to drive on the other side of the road. One of life’s little ironies I guess.

I would also like to give a special mention to one of my favourite places in England, Trentham Monkey Forest.  It is exactly what it says it is. A forest full of monkeys.  Seriously, is there anybody on earth who wouldn’t actually enjoy that?

On the subject of hedonistic pleasures, I finally got to see ‘Frog’n’Dog’ perform one of my songs live.  The song in question is entitled ‘Seventh Circle’ and is about Satan’s take on a number of recent conflicts.  It was a somewhat surreal experience, but one that I look forward to repeating.  All I can tell you about it is that the song is clearly awesome, and that you will have to wait a few more months to hear it.  Intrigued?  Then why not like  ‘Frog’n’Dog’ on Facebook to stay ahead of the crowd.

I also have a little news regarding everyone’s a certain book about old men and ninjas, namely.. if any of you out there would like to get a free copy of the ‘Existence Is Futile’ eBook, you will have a chance this coming Sunday. The ‘Shut Up & Read’ group on Goodreads will be giving away copies in exchange for reviews.  The best thing of all is that they don’t even have to be good ones ;P  All you have to do is log on to Goodreads (you can do that by linking your Facebook account) join the group, and keep your eyes open on Sunday when they post the link to ‘Existence Is Futile‘.  The whole process could not be simpler.

I can also happily announce that I have finished editing my next book (my solo part anyway).  I have given it to my must trusted eagle-eyed hyphenator-in-chief to give it the once over.  I have also submitted it to one publisher in the U.K. and am back to the business of waiting around and scratching my bottom and glancing nervously at my to-do list.  Until next time, be good.

Beavers and Podcasts

First, here is the news.  Sometime ago I was sitting up late on Facebook, and occupying myself with human interaction.  I am aware that the primary function of Facebook is to stay in touch with people you never meet or speak with, without ever speaking to them.  In essence, it is a tool which enables us to stalk ghosts from our respective pasts.  mattAnyhow I like to break taboos.  Where was I?  I was conversing, or is it Facebooking, or Facewriting with an English comedian I met sometime ago at a gig in Warsaw by the name of Matt Price.  We got to talking about a new project he has become involved in, namely ‘Natural Born Storytellers’.  The simple principle of these evenings is that each event has a given theme, and every single person in the place is invited to share a story.  I absolutely love the idea.  After all, a writer has to love a story.  Whilst we chatted about the demise of spoken stories, and the depressing culture which has replaced it, I couldn’t help but whine that it was impossible to for me to participate.  Matt was quick to offer me the opportunity to do so by emailing him by story.  Quite incredibly, not only did he read it, but he passed it on to somebody else too.

A few days later I was invited by another comedian, Mr Rob Heeney to record an episode for his podcast entitled ‘People PeopleWith Stories’.  I was apprehensive at first as the idea of actually telling the story was quite intimidating.  After giving it careful consideration, and listening to a number of his podcasts I decided to give it a go.  Within a week I recorded my episode over Skype.  And I can happily say that today I saw my face on the ‘People With Stories’ coming soon photo album.  As soon as the podcast is released I will post something here.

In the meantime I am slowly trying to get myself organised and finish the next edit of my forthcoming book. Admittedly, today I got somewhat distracted by an incident involving Justin Bieber and a beaver.  You can read about the whole thing on Storify.

Whilst you wait for the release of the podcast, why not check out some of the following –

Matt Price official Facebook page

My favourite Matt Price YouTube video

‘People With Stories’ Facebook page

Why not listen to a ‘People With Stories’ podcast or two (Why not start with Matt’s?)

Justin Beavergate

April Foolishness

Yesterday, as most of you are aware, was April Fools’ Day.  Therefore I must point out that my post about ‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ was a joke.  I don’t know whether I should be proud or ashamed of the fact that roughly 10% of you lovely, lovely people clicked on the pre-order link.  For your sakes I hope it was nothing more than morbid curiosity which drove you to such silliness.

Keeping with my tradition of trying to keep my blog posts informative, I would like to inform you that I have almost nothing to inform you about.  Only that Alejandro Elbuho has moved to a new Internest.  Until next time, make love not war.

Announcing My New Book

Ladies and Gentleman, I am delighted to announce my new book ‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ will be released on May 28th by Twickenham Press.  Rather than rant too much about how brilliant I am, why not just read the extract below.

“Is that a sausage in your mouth or are you just pleased to see me?”  Count Yussuf Larkee turned around to see a man dressed as a biker, wearing more leather than the average cow, attired with a handlebar moustache of such dimensions that it looked as if the mans lips were struggling to bear the weight of it.  The Count knew that it was now or never.  Could he tell?  Should he tell?  Inside he felt it would be wonderful if he could, even momentarily unburden himself from his secret.  But how could this man understand?  This pulsating, sweating stinking man know what it feels like to spend your whole life living a lie?  Surely there was no one on earth who felt the way he did. Something clicked in his mind, and with all the assurance of a Dodo on a diving board he took a deep breath and did the unspeakable.

“No, it’s the severed arm of a car crash victim I picked up earlier.  I’m not eating it by the way, I’m just sucking the blood out of it.  See, I’ve, erm I mean I’m, well, I, am a…”‘  mumbled the Count weakly.

”Where did you buy that sparkly eye make up, you look so good I could eat you?”‘  Before he could utter a word in response, the Count’s nerves took control and he turned into a bat.

‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ tells the story of the first vampire to come out of the closet.  It features sequins, stereotypes, awful writing, no plotline to speak of and a great deal of homo-eroticism.  In other words it’s guaranteed to be an instant hit.  If you don’t believe me check out the great cover design some bloke, somewhere in a dark cubicle of an office made for me.

vampires

And if that doesn’t convince you, here are a few reviews from some well-known celebrities that I have never ever met and have definitely never read this book.

”A brilliantly, original concept.  If only I had Scott Andrews’ wonderful imagination.” – Stephanie Meyer

“This will do to gayness what Harry Potter did for nerdiness.” – Stephen Fry

“I am so proud of my son.” – Pope Francis I

You can pre-order the book direct from the publisher by clicking on this link

So there you have it, get ordering, get sparkly and get ready.  Thank you in anticipation of your support, and I look forward to your feedback.  I’m sure together we can make ‘Vampires Love Sausage Too’ a bestseller.