My Shiny Crystal Balls

2012, I’ve been expecting you.  And here you are.  You don’t feel any different to 2011.  You look almost identical.  Is it really true that you herald the end of the world?  Give up your secrets to me, I promise I won’t tell anyone.

In 2012 there will be a war.  Some people will fire their guns.  Some other people will fire their guns.  Lots of people will die.  We will watch this footage on the news and tut and say that its terrible and that someone ought to do something about it.  The winner of the war will be the side with the smallest number of dead soldiers, that much I guarantee.

In 2012 there will be an economic crisis.  It will a crisis of such immense proportions that you will hear the word crisis 167,587,992,632 times over the next 365 days.  A diplomat will fly here.  Another will fly there.  Politicians will lock themselves in expensive conference centers in fancy hotels with other Politicians and argue as they quaff insanely expensive champagne and eat caviar made of gold.  The American government will be alarmed.  Every European government will be alarmed.  Then the European Union will spend more money stimulating an economy which has already received so much stimulation that its starting to resemble Silvio Berlusconi’s cock at a bunga bunga party.

In 2012 there will be a scandal.  Someone will have sexual intercourse with someone else.  Someone else will tell the newspapers.  The newspapers will have sordid accounts of the sexual intercourse which someone had with someone else.  Someone will apologise, and then it will all be okay.

In 2012 some famous people will die.  They will all be the greatest ever in their given fields and we will quickly forget all the bad things they did, and all the things they didn’t do and could have done  in order to create the illusion of grandeur.  Life hereafter will be the same albeit slightly worse due to the fact that somewhere a mansion will lay empty and we shall all cry ourselves to sleep in their name.

In 2012 Queen Elisabeth II will go somewhere wearing a hat.  She will also be wearing a pearl necklace.  She will talk to some old people and smile at some children.  It will instantly make the world a better place.

In 2012 some scientist somewhere will be awarded a prize we have never heard of for doing something none of us understand.  He will be very pleased by this and will make a thank you speech with a tear in his eye.

In 2012 Apple will release some piece of shit which no one needs and  which doesn’t work properly.  It will be hailed as the greatest revolution in technology since the last great revolution in technology.  The most efficient change it will make is that it will turn its owner into a wandering vagrant when their credit card bill comes through.

In 2012 the end of the world will not happen.  It will become apparent that someone somewhere miscalculated the date of the apolocalypse, leaving the four horsemen with a long ride back to their fictional stables.  Some idiot somewhere will quickly produce a new date by saying the first thing which pops into his head and we will be safe from total obliteration of another year.

That’s my round up of 2012.  Now you know everything which is going to happen you may as well stay home and remain hidden under your duvet for another year.  The changes which will not happen this year will be some of the greatest changes mankind has never seen.  It’s amazing to think that in a years time life will be absolutely and completely the same.  It’s fantastic to know that mankind’s greatest inventions WAR & POVERTY will go from strength to strength, I for one will be sleeping much better.  It only remains for me to say HAPPY GLOBAL FAMILY DAY AND MAY YOU LIVE IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF SAMENESS FOR THE NEXT YEAR!!

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