A New Year Message

Those of you that have been stopping by my blog for over a year may well remember that I am not a big fan of New Year’s Eve.  In fact I detest it.  It’s almost certainly the one party each year which is inevitably shit, that’s why this year I shall be avoiding New Year’s Eve parties like pandas avoid sex.  I don’t wish to waffle on too much about the matter as I laid out my position last year in a post entitled ‘New Year’s Evil’.  Instead I wish to share a few thoughts on New Year’s resolutions.

A resolution by definition, is a decision taken to do, or not to do something over the next calendar year.  The vast majority of unimaginative cretins are convinced that the only path to self-improvement is to disallow themselves from doing something they enjoy.  The usual suspects almost always relate to giving something up.  Usually smoking, drinking, eating, self-fellating, being irritating, breathing, wheezing, sneezing and stranger pleasing.  It’s as if the world has mistaken New Year’s resolutions for the entry requirements to a monastery.  And that dear friends is why the vast majority of people fail miserably in their quest for pointless self-improvement.

What most resolution makers fail to realise is that at heart the vast majority of human beings are hedonists, which means that the hardest things to stop doing are things which bring you pleasure.  By choosing such opus dei-like resolutions you are choosing the path to failure.  It’s like going to the casino and gambling to lose.  The most frustrating thing of all is the fact that people are so often blind to the fact that a resolution is something that you can decide to do.  It does not have to involve quitting something, it can involve starting something.  Common sense dictates that the most succesful resolutions are made by those people who actually choose to do something they will enjoy.

It’s with those thoughts in mind that I have decided to join in and make a few resolutions for myself:

  1. Every time I exit an occupied lift I will try to leave a fart behind.
  2. Every time I receive poor service, I shall complain.  Not only that, I shall enjoy complaining.
  3. In 2013 I will finish my next book, receive suitable acclaim for my new project, and try something so brave that I will require bollocks the size of Saturn’s moons to pull it off.
  4. And lastly.  Over the next year, I shall have more fun that I did in the last one.

P.S. If anyone has their own resolutions feel free to share them in the comments below.  That way we can check back in a years time and see how we fared.  Good luck to you all.  Oh and Happy New Year.

Olympic Fever

As we all know, aside from those of us that live in forests, jungles or on the moon, the London Olympics are now in full swing.  Competitors from all over the world have descended on London to spend a few weeks proving who is the best at not getting caught for using performance enhancing drugs running, jumping, running and jumping, chucking stuff at blades of grass, making horses dance, riding a bicycle in circles and numerous other fun-filled events.  I can’t help but feel like the entire circus is a deeply distressing repulsive freak show fantastic advert for the Olympic spirit.

Now that’s a load of bollocks.  The Olympic spirit, I mean.  As a kid I somehow formed the opinion that the Olympics were about men and women competing in events which anyone could do in the spirit of fair play.  Little did I realise how wrong I was.  Putting the obvious drug abuse to one side, I have to ask myself how I formed that opinion when the Olympics contain a myriad of pointlessly stupid events.  Any event where the competitors can use different equipment is one which potentially gives an artificial advantage to a competitor.  Surely in the equestrian events the medals should go to the horses and not the jockeys.  In the various cycling in circles events does everyone use the same bike?  And well the inclusive nature of the yachting and rowing speaks for itself, as the number of yacht clubs in Essex is incredible.  That’s without even starting on the team sports, as the Ancient Olympics were never about teams.

The Ancient Olympics initially contained only one event.  It was a single foot race, a sprint.  Over the years it added a number of other races, the most notable of all was the hoplitodromos.  This race was ran in full or partial armour and a helmet, for sometimes two laps of the stadium.  It wasn’t about loving your fellow-man.  It was about infantry tactics.  Surprisingly there were NO FIELD EVENTS as individual competitions.  The only recognisable field events were part of the Pentathlon which consisted of wrestling, a sprint, long jump, javelin and the discus throw.  Probably the most interesting of all were the three different fighting disciplines.  Boxing, Wrestling and Pankration(which was a mix of the two).  Interestingly the fighting events had no rest periods or rules against hitting a man whilst he was down.  The fights continued untill a man surrendered or died.  In the true spirit of the Olympics, if a competitor died, he was declared the winner.  The last thing I would like to add about the Ancient Olympics is that horses were used in a chariot race, which means that those people who claim that equestrian is not in the spirit of the Olympics are talking nonsense.

As we can see, the modern spirit of the Olympics has nothing to with Olympic origin.  In essence the Ancient Olympics contained events which were functional.  There was no sense of fair play.  It was about who was the best at doing things which were sometimes necessary for their own survival.  It’s apparent that the true spirit has been lost in time.  What we need now is a new spirit, a spirit representative of the magnificent age we live in.  It’s with that in mind I have decided to make a suggestion to the Olympic committee.  Let’s throw out all events and start again.  Let’s create an Olympics for our generation, one with relevance to our everyday lives.  We shall call it ‘The Even More Modern Modern Olympiad’  I will leave you with a few suggestions to help the Olympic committee get started.

  1. To combat the use of performance enhancing drugs, force competitors to drink 8 pints of beer before the start of each event.
  2. To encourage children to be interested in sport, include events which anyone can play such as knock down ginger, who can wee the highest and who can spit the furthest.
  3. Keep the hurdle events and make all competitors compete naked.  Oh, and cover the hurdles in barbed wire.
  4. Get rid of all throwing events.  They were only included to make fat kids feel better on school sports days anyway.
  5. But keep the hammer throw.  Replace the hammers with dwarves.
  6. Replace the horses in equestrian eventing with coconut shells.
  7. Completely redesign the cycling events.  Instead of bicycles, give the competitors tesco shopping trolleys.  Instead of using a velodrome, use a hill.  The rest is self-explanatory.
  8. Tree climbing.  Kids used to like it.  Adults shouldn’t do it.  Especially drunk.  It will be great.
  9. Replace all of the shooting events with one universal event.  Instead of guns or bows and arrows, give each competitor a straw and a serviette to soak with spit and blow throw it.
  10. And last but not least, a ‘talking about the weather’ event.  This way we can guarantee that Britain will win at least one gold every four years.

My Shiny Crystal Balls

2012, I’ve been expecting you.  And here you are.  You don’t feel any different to 2011.  You look almost identical.  Is it really true that you herald the end of the world?  Give up your secrets to me, I promise I won’t tell anyone.

In 2012 there will be a war.  Some people will fire their guns.  Some other people will fire their guns.  Lots of people will die.  We will watch this footage on the news and tut and say that its terrible and that someone ought to do something about it.  The winner of the war will be the side with the smallest number of dead soldiers, that much I guarantee.

In 2012 there will be an economic crisis.  It will a crisis of such immense proportions that you will hear the word crisis 167,587,992,632 times over the next 365 days.  A diplomat will fly here.  Another will fly there.  Politicians will lock themselves in expensive conference centers in fancy hotels with other Politicians and argue as they quaff insanely expensive champagne and eat caviar made of gold.  The American government will be alarmed.  Every European government will be alarmed.  Then the European Union will spend more money stimulating an economy which has already received so much stimulation that its starting to resemble Silvio Berlusconi’s cock at a bunga bunga party.

In 2012 there will be a scandal.  Someone will have sexual intercourse with someone else.  Someone else will tell the newspapers.  The newspapers will have sordid accounts of the sexual intercourse which someone had with someone else.  Someone will apologise, and then it will all be okay.

In 2012 some famous people will die.  They will all be the greatest ever in their given fields and we will quickly forget all the bad things they did, and all the things they didn’t do and could have done  in order to create the illusion of grandeur.  Life hereafter will be the same albeit slightly worse due to the fact that somewhere a mansion will lay empty and we shall all cry ourselves to sleep in their name.

In 2012 Queen Elisabeth II will go somewhere wearing a hat.  She will also be wearing a pearl necklace.  She will talk to some old people and smile at some children.  It will instantly make the world a better place.

In 2012 some scientist somewhere will be awarded a prize we have never heard of for doing something none of us understand.  He will be very pleased by this and will make a thank you speech with a tear in his eye.

In 2012 Apple will release some piece of shit which no one needs and  which doesn’t work properly.  It will be hailed as the greatest revolution in technology since the last great revolution in technology.  The most efficient change it will make is that it will turn its owner into a wandering vagrant when their credit card bill comes through.

In 2012 the end of the world will not happen.  It will become apparent that someone somewhere miscalculated the date of the apolocalypse, leaving the four horsemen with a long ride back to their fictional stables.  Some idiot somewhere will quickly produce a new date by saying the first thing which pops into his head and we will be safe from total obliteration of another year.

That’s my round up of 2012.  Now you know everything which is going to happen you may as well stay home and remain hidden under your duvet for another year.  The changes which will not happen this year will be some of the greatest changes mankind has never seen.  It’s amazing to think that in a years time life will be absolutely and completely the same.  It’s fantastic to know that mankind’s greatest inventions WAR & POVERTY will go from strength to strength, I for one will be sleeping much better.  It only remains for me to say HAPPY GLOBAL FAMILY DAY AND MAY YOU LIVE IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF SAMENESS FOR THE NEXT YEAR!!