A New Year Message

Those of you that have been stopping by my blog for over a year may well remember that I am not a big fan of New Year’s Eve.  In fact I detest it.  It’s almost certainly the one party each year which is inevitably shit, that’s why this year I shall be avoiding New Year’s Eve parties like pandas avoid sex.  I don’t wish to waffle on too much about the matter as I laid out my position last year in a post entitled ‘New Year’s Evil’.  Instead I wish to share a few thoughts on New Year’s resolutions.

A resolution by definition, is a decision taken to do, or not to do something over the next calendar year.  The vast majority of unimaginative cretins are convinced that the only path to self-improvement is to disallow themselves from doing something they enjoy.  The usual suspects almost always relate to giving something up.  Usually smoking, drinking, eating, self-fellating, being irritating, breathing, wheezing, sneezing and stranger pleasing.  It’s as if the world has mistaken New Year’s resolutions for the entry requirements to a monastery.  And that dear friends is why the vast majority of people fail miserably in their quest for pointless self-improvement.

What most resolution makers fail to realise is that at heart the vast majority of human beings are hedonists, which means that the hardest things to stop doing are things which bring you pleasure.  By choosing such opus dei-like resolutions you are choosing the path to failure.  It’s like going to the casino and gambling to lose.  The most frustrating thing of all is the fact that people are so often blind to the fact that a resolution is something that you can decide to do.  It does not have to involve quitting something, it can involve starting something.  Common sense dictates that the most succesful resolutions are made by those people who actually choose to do something they will enjoy.

It’s with those thoughts in mind that I have decided to join in and make a few resolutions for myself:

  1. Every time I exit an occupied lift I will try to leave a fart behind.
  2. Every time I receive poor service, I shall complain.  Not only that, I shall enjoy complaining.
  3. In 2013 I will finish my next book, receive suitable acclaim for my new project, and try something so brave that I will require bollocks the size of Saturn’s moons to pull it off.
  4. And lastly.  Over the next year, I shall have more fun that I did in the last one.

P.S. If anyone has their own resolutions feel free to share them in the comments below.  That way we can check back in a years time and see how we fared.  Good luck to you all.  Oh and Happy New Year.

Oh My Gods’ Part 1 Of 3

The New Year has started off in incredibly uninspiring fashion in the sense that very little has happened to inspire me.  It was whilst toying with my lack of inspiration when I decided that my problem may be the fault of the month of January.  I started idly browsing through my calendar and as expected found that very little happens aside from a few notable personal anniversaries.  With this thought in my head I found myself wondering if it was perhaps that I don’t understand January, and therefore cannot appreciate her.  There was only one solution.  Research.

January is named after Janus, the god of the doorway.  I don’t know what troubles me the most about this very statement.  Clearly January has origins which date back to roman times when polytheism was still rampant, before any God laid claim to a monopoly.  However I always thought that roman gods were for more important things than doorways.  I can’t help but wonder what exactly happened in a doorway at some point in history to make King Numa Pompilius name a month after Janus?  Was there a lobby group of door manufacturers bribing members of the senate?  What on earth are we meant to do nowadays?  I live in a flat.  I don’t have a doorway.  How am I supposed to celebrate January?  I must clearly be doing it wrong.

February was named after the Latin term februum which means purification in honour of an old roman purification ritual.  This confuses me slightly as it has nothing to do with any Gods’.  Rationally speaking February surely would be better in January’s place as thousands of people try to purify themselves with any number of New Year’s resolutions.  Another thing caught my eye.  Europeans are always obsessing how we English do our best to try to distance ourselves from the continent and whenever I get the opportunity I like to prove how wrong they are.  Therefore I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the old English word for February was Kale-monath which means cabbage.

March is most famously named after the Roman God of War and inventor of that fantastic chocolate and caramel combination, Mars.  Interesting March used to be the first month of the year despite the fact it has absolutely nothing to do with doorways.  The God of War should be a pretty cool God with a big sword, an icy glare and a beard which could make men weep tears of jealousy.  Unfortunately he was a part-time agricultural guardian, wore a skirt and didn’t even possess a sword.  And his beard was barely average.

April is even less clear in origin.  The traditional etymology is from the Latin aperire meaning to open, a reference to the pre-global warming era when trees and flowers begin ‘to open’ or blossom.  Nowadays thanks to Al Gore and his ilk we are all too aware that we shouldn’t be surprised to see tulips in november.  In all honestly the world warming up(to be fair I do live in Poland) isn’t such a bad thing.  Regardless of the climate changes it is clear that April is no longer needed as a month so I propose removing it completely.

Lets recap the new Scottorian calendar.

February or Cabbage as it shall now be known.



Each of those new months shall have an extra ten days, that way we won’t even notice the absence of April, after all nothing important happens then anyway.

Tune in next time for May, June, July and August

All research taken from Wikipedia.

My Shiny Crystal Balls

2012, I’ve been expecting you.  And here you are.  You don’t feel any different to 2011.  You look almost identical.  Is it really true that you herald the end of the world?  Give up your secrets to me, I promise I won’t tell anyone.

In 2012 there will be a war.  Some people will fire their guns.  Some other people will fire their guns.  Lots of people will die.  We will watch this footage on the news and tut and say that its terrible and that someone ought to do something about it.  The winner of the war will be the side with the smallest number of dead soldiers, that much I guarantee.

In 2012 there will be an economic crisis.  It will a crisis of such immense proportions that you will hear the word crisis 167,587,992,632 times over the next 365 days.  A diplomat will fly here.  Another will fly there.  Politicians will lock themselves in expensive conference centers in fancy hotels with other Politicians and argue as they quaff insanely expensive champagne and eat caviar made of gold.  The American government will be alarmed.  Every European government will be alarmed.  Then the European Union will spend more money stimulating an economy which has already received so much stimulation that its starting to resemble Silvio Berlusconi’s cock at a bunga bunga party.

In 2012 there will be a scandal.  Someone will have sexual intercourse with someone else.  Someone else will tell the newspapers.  The newspapers will have sordid accounts of the sexual intercourse which someone had with someone else.  Someone will apologise, and then it will all be okay.

In 2012 some famous people will die.  They will all be the greatest ever in their given fields and we will quickly forget all the bad things they did, and all the things they didn’t do and could have done  in order to create the illusion of grandeur.  Life hereafter will be the same albeit slightly worse due to the fact that somewhere a mansion will lay empty and we shall all cry ourselves to sleep in their name.

In 2012 Queen Elisabeth II will go somewhere wearing a hat.  She will also be wearing a pearl necklace.  She will talk to some old people and smile at some children.  It will instantly make the world a better place.

In 2012 some scientist somewhere will be awarded a prize we have never heard of for doing something none of us understand.  He will be very pleased by this and will make a thank you speech with a tear in his eye.

In 2012 Apple will release some piece of shit which no one needs and  which doesn’t work properly.  It will be hailed as the greatest revolution in technology since the last great revolution in technology.  The most efficient change it will make is that it will turn its owner into a wandering vagrant when their credit card bill comes through.

In 2012 the end of the world will not happen.  It will become apparent that someone somewhere miscalculated the date of the apolocalypse, leaving the four horsemen with a long ride back to their fictional stables.  Some idiot somewhere will quickly produce a new date by saying the first thing which pops into his head and we will be safe from total obliteration of another year.

That’s my round up of 2012.  Now you know everything which is going to happen you may as well stay home and remain hidden under your duvet for another year.  The changes which will not happen this year will be some of the greatest changes mankind has never seen.  It’s amazing to think that in a years time life will be absolutely and completely the same.  It’s fantastic to know that mankind’s greatest inventions WAR & POVERTY will go from strength to strength, I for one will be sleeping much better.  It only remains for me to say HAPPY GLOBAL FAMILY DAY AND MAY YOU LIVE IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF SAMENESS FOR THE NEXT YEAR!!

New Year’s Evil

The second night of this horror fest of fake social orgasms kicks off this Saturday.  This time no family are required, merely a group of friends hellbent on celebrating the fact that the Earth has rotated just one more time on its axis.  Oh and that you have to write the date a different way when you wake up.  Despite the apparent lack of value in New Year’s Evil a large number of people believe that there is some mystic specialness relating to it which only people who have visited Goa and have a beard can see.  I have a message for those people.  It’s bollocks.

By adding the words ‘it’s gonna be’  along with ‘wicked/great/awesome/the dog’s bollocks’ you as a reveller have already failed.  Several centuries ago the fore mentioned expressions were identified by social anthropologists as the curse of the idiot.  If you find yourself at a party this Saturday and are unfortunate enough to hear such expressions you must run very quickly and contact a real grown up, as the chance of having anything resembling fun or a good time with such morons is as likely as Fidel Castro revealing himself to be a woman.

Instead contend yourself with an altered reality for a moment.  In days long gone people would sacrifice goats, virgins and encyclopedia salesmen to mark the passing of the days.  Our generation have developed New Year’s Eve as a means to sacrifice our livers.  The only thing more pointless that a New Year’s Eve party is the lives of the people saying it’s wicked whilst they are at a New Year’s Eve party.

Prepare yourself now for midnight by singing the first line of a song and mumbling the rest.  Start thinking of a things you could pretend you want to change or give up  before giving up the giving up a fortnight from now.  Hone your social skills by spending everyday between now and the party drunk, and walking up to strangers and telling them that you fucking love them and that you will definitely call them.  Stock up on fireworks now, because if you don’t try to blow your fingers off when the bell strikes midnight your neighbors are going to be deeply disappointed.  And last but not least, steel your stomach for the quaffing of cheap unpronounceable champagne by drinking a litre of vodka now and drinking your own piss at midnight.

Wherever you happen to be in the world, wherever you go for your New Year’s Evil party, bear this one thought in mind. All over the world there are billions of people having just as shit a time as you, and some of them might be people you hate.  As the wise men say, every cloud has a silver lining.  Until next time, I sincerely hope each and every one of you has a Crappy New Year!