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How To Accept Compliments

Some people take theirs with a pinch of salt.  Others take theirs after their morning constitutional.  What no one knows for sure is how exactly they should be taken to maximise their efficiency.  And therein lies the problem.

Science has managed to prove that 5 of just about anything a day is unquestionably good for the human body.  Unless that 5 includes bullets, cyanide pills or episodes of X Factor.  However with regards to compliments, too many are clearly bad for you and too few too.  So what exactly is the precise amount of praise which leads to a general feeling of wellbeing? As opposed to the feeling too much can give you, which may lead you to feeling just a little bit French.

Taken before bed, they can keep you awake all night.  Take them too early in the morning and you are bound to fall down.  Compliments are absolute buggers.  Research has shown that compliments are best taken like crack cocaine: when you are in need of a five-minute buzz.  When accepting this as fact it becomes much easier to deploy compliments at vital moments of your life, such as: before job interviews, sexual encounters and the regional semi-finals of the World Beard and Moustache Championships.

The problem when taken too often is that compliments can lead to addiction.  Addicts often complain about no one understanding them and everything being shit.  This often leads them to getting dangerously pointy haircuts and appearing on reality tv talent shows in hope of another fix.  Sadly, Simon Cowell has failed to introduce mandatory executions for talent show failures.

Which brings us to our conclusion.  Our planet is by and large, populated by compliment chasing zombies shuffling through the streets.  These zombies aren’t dangerous, mostly.  Until someone takes this problem to the United Nations, UNESCO, the World Wildlife Fund or the Dead Poet’s Society, this human tragedy is likely to overshadow mankind’s greatest achievements.  That’s why I’d like to nominate me for ‘Saviour of Mankind’.  After all I am pretty special.  That’s what most people tell me.

Reviewers Wanted

One of the hardest things about publishing a book is the waiting.  The waiting begins with the first submission and continues even after you have published it.  It’s an incredibly frustrating process, which is often drawn out by factors which aren’t immediately obvious to any observer.  Therefore at times it requires taking a blind leap of faith every now and then.  Which is what I am trying to do right now.

I know I have sold copies.  I know people are creatures of habit.  It is very hard to persuade someone who has never written a review for any product to do it for my book.  I know in many cases people haven’t even got around to reading my book.  It just sits on the bookshelf naked and vulnerable like a third testicle being examined by a doctor.

The problem, in my case at least, is that I do not have a million dollar marketing budget.  I rely absolutely on word of mouth.  The 21st century upgrade to word of mouth is rating and reviewing on the internet.  If people don’t do it, then ‘Existence Is Futile’ will go by largely ignored.  Therefore I ask each of you that have finished reading my book to take 5 minutes to review it on Amazon or Goodreads or wherever you find the possibility, as it truly is YOUR REVIEWS which can persuade a stranger to read my book.

As Queen Victoria used to say ‘If you don’t ask you don’t get, and if you sit on your hands you may well end up feeling an arse.’  That’s why I have decided to increase my chances of success by giving away 10 ebooks to willing reviewers.  If you want to become one, please send me a message on Goodreads stating your preferred e-book format and method of delivery e.g. Smashwords coupon or email and I will happily oblige.  My only requirement is that you write a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads when you finish.  If you cannot decide whether ‘Existence Is Futile’ is worth your time, why not check what others have said already:

Amazon

Goodreads

And now get on with it!

An L Plate of Humility

The acquisition of knowledge is meant to be something magnificent.  The very fact that our brains are able to learn is something which sets us apart from the multitude of creatures which we share this planet with.  Despite this very fact, learning can be terrifically stressful and damn right painful for some.

Learning as an adult male can be impossible for some, as it requires the learner to leave their own sense of self-importance at the door and put their complete faith in an entrusted stranger.  Having been that stranger for so many years, it feels peculiar to find myself on the other side of the fence.

The reason for these thoughts is the fact that I am learning to drive at the age of thirty-one.  I have never been interested in cars or driving.  To be honest, I am still indifferent to all cars except the one I am in.  What does interest me is human experience and so far this experience has been fun.

Believe it or not;  learning does not have to be dull.  Between the inevitable stalling the car and the numerous other traffic violations that I have already committed, I have nearly convinced my instructor to grow a moustache, that old people have no purpose and that I nearly know how to drive.  I have learned that driving instructors do not like it when you scream ‘we are going to die’ when entering a roundabout, that when you are instructed to depress the clutch it doesn’t require demoralising words directed at the pedal and that when you are instructed to go straight on, it requires a road underneath your wheels.

Trusting a complete stranger is so much easier when you have absolutely no idea what you are doing.  Initially it was a terrifying ordeal.  I was so stressed behind the wheel that my instructor was convinced that I was suffering from rigor mortis.  I needed to find a way to calm myself down.  After some thinking I realised that I hadn’t just left my self-importance by the door but that I had also left my self.  At the moment I was at a crossroads, literally.  I was sitting in the driver’s seat, before a pedestrian crossing.  I snapped out of my daydream and saw what I could only perceive as a sign from God.  A nun was crossing the road.  Before you ask, I didn’t gun the engine as I am a mature adult man.  Instead I beeped the horn, leaned out of the window and shouted ‘Penguin’ and instantaneously the tension was gone.

I learned something valuable that day.  Stress, tension, fear or whatever you wish to call it can appear when you try too hard and that  it is possible to put your faith in someone else as long as it doesn’t change you.  Now I am calmer on the road I feel happy when I drive.  In other words I am learning and enjoying every minute of it.  And that, in my opinion, is the key to self-improvement.

Busy As A Beaver

Apologies for my lack of posting, but I’m afraid normal life has started to get in the way once more.  I am as busy as a beaver.  Well I’m not really as I haven’t been building any dams lately.  Nor have I ever come to think of it.  Nor am I likely to.  As to tell the truth, I’ll never give a dam.

What I have actually been busy with is a new job.  On top of that I have also started learning to drive.  Between those two pursuits alone, I have very little free time.  And mostly I am spending the little free time I have, grunting and scratching my bottom as opposed to doing anything productive.  Except the blog post I wrote on Redroom.com.

Sadly, at least for the short-term, this is most likely going to be the pattern of my (futile) existence.  And on the subject of existence I would like to thank those of you that have reviewed ‘Existence Is Futile’ on both Amazon and Goodreads.  It’s been a pleasant surprise to receive such positive feedback, and it really means a lot that you guys took the time to share your opinions.  So keep them coming.

Polishing my Polish | Scott Andrews | Blog Post | Red Room

Recently I received an email inviting me to write a blog post for a competition on Redroom.com on the subject of learning a foreign language.  You can read my entry by clicking on the following link Polishing my Polish | Scott Andrews | Blog Post | Red Room.