How To Accept Compliments

Some people take theirs with a pinch of salt.  Others take theirs after their morning constitutional.  What no one knows for sure is how exactly they should be taken to maximise their efficiency.  And therein lies the problem.

Science has managed to prove that 5 of just about anything a day is unquestionably good for the human body.  Unless that 5 includes bullets, cyanide pills or episodes of X Factor.  However with regards to compliments, too many are clearly bad for you and too few too.  So what exactly is the precise amount of praise which leads to a general feeling of wellbeing? As opposed to the feeling too much can give you, which may lead you to feeling just a little bit French.

Taken before bed, they can keep you awake all night.  Take them too early in the morning and you are bound to fall down.  Compliments are absolute buggers.  Research has shown that compliments are best taken like crack cocaine: when you are in need of a five-minute buzz.  When accepting this as fact it becomes much easier to deploy compliments at vital moments of your life, such as: before job interviews, sexual encounters and the regional semi-finals of the World Beard and Moustache Championships.

The problem when taken too often is that compliments can lead to addiction.  Addicts often complain about no one understanding them and everything being shit.  This often leads them to getting dangerously pointy haircuts and appearing on reality tv talent shows in hope of another fix.  Sadly, Simon Cowell has failed to introduce mandatory executions for talent show failures.

Which brings us to our conclusion.  Our planet is by and large, populated by compliment chasing zombies shuffling through the streets.  These zombies aren’t dangerous, mostly.  Until someone takes this problem to the United Nations, UNESCO, the World Wildlife Fund or the Dead Poet’s Society, this human tragedy is likely to overshadow mankind’s greatest achievements.  That’s why I’d like to nominate me for ‘Saviour of Mankind’.  After all I am pretty special.  That’s what most people tell me.

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