Friday heralds yet another apocalypse. For the second time in recent years there will be some idiots somewhere expecting the world to end. First I survived the Millennium, then I survived the rapture, and if I survive the weekend I will have lived through Doomsday. Given how successful the first end of the world was, I am not holding my breath for this one. Not only that, everybody knows that the only thing worse than a sequel is a trilogy.
This time the fault lays with those sneaky Mayans. That civilisation that flourished around a thousand years ago conveniently utilised the tools at their disposal to predict that December 21st 2012 would herald the end of the world. Except that they didn’t. At any point. The idea that the Mayans predicted the end of the world is an absolute fabrication. The misguided belief that the Mayan calender ends on Friday is so far from the truth it’s astounding. If you want to learn what the Mayans actually have to say about the matter check out this article on the Huffington Post .
I am supremely confident that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will never appear in my lifetime. For those of you that aren’t familiar with the story, the Four Horsemen appear in the Bible, in the book of revelation. Basically the arrival of the Four Horseman is meant to signify the coming of the apocalypse. The Four Horsemen are Conquest, War, Famine and Death, who are, incidentally, released from a scroll by Jesus. They are the first in a number of judgements given by God to wipe out the vast majority of the Earth’s population. What the hell happened to ‘love thy neighbour?’
To put it into perspective, according to the Bible the signs of the impending apocalypse are ‘War,Famine and Death’. Three things which have been omnipresent throughout my entire existence in some corner of the globe. To be honest they weren’t really taking much of a gamble. ‘Roger what will the end of the world look like?’ ‘Well Dave I reckon people will be dying, killing each other and bloody hungry.’ ‘What like now you mean?’ Yet ancient prophecies formed on nothing other than rational guesswork still incite considerable excitement today. It is astounding that human beings are so insanely blinkered. We are living in the information age and incredibly a number of Christians are still getting excited about an impending rapture and New Age idiots are babbling about Mayan calendars which don’t actually say anything about the end of the world. Personally I think it is a magnificent example of the innovative age in which we live. Whilst Rapture Radio are asking for donations to help prepare for doomsday, and New Age Hippies are paying extortionate amounts of money to go on ‘Doomsday Bike Treks’ through Central America, they are all oblivious to the fact that they are victims of marketing. They are living proof that there is nothing the human mind cannot squeeze a profit from.
In all honestly I feel inspired, which is why I have decided to start my own campaign. It’s called ‘Tits for Jesus’. Now I just need to figure a way to turn a profit on it. Sadly the world isn’t going to end this weekend. But don’t panic. Remember if the world doesn’t end this weekend it won’t be the end of the world.