A Gaggle of Cun….

It seems that barely a week is able to pass by without an underclass of social media users sharing images of something disgusting.  This week’s image in question, which incidentally, I am not going to share, is of a dead Syrian child lying on a beach.  It is an image so repugnant in its very idea, that there is absolutely no need for anyone to ever share it.  Unless they are morally obtuse, self-absorbed, shitbergs.

This social media underclass of keyboard warriors and online campaigners believe that they are making a difference.  In my own encounters with these feckless morons the most common defence that I have encountered is that they are, in fact, ‘raising awareness’.  In this particular case they might be right.  There might be someone, probably called George, that lives in a closet, has an allergy to news, and has only one friend in the entire universe responsible for shaping their world view.  Them.  In such cases it is indeed true they are raising awareness, raising awareness that George should likely try living a life in the real world.  However, putting George to one side for a moment, I cannot help but wonder what it is precisely that they are raising awareness of?  Death?  Their penchant for collecting pictures of dead children?  The fact that life is unfair?  That war is fatal?

The fact is, these click-baited mindless morons gain a sense of usefulness and righteousness from their actions.  They are honestly that stupid that they believe with a genuine conviction that sharing distressing images does something positive for the causes which they care about.  That all they are required to do is click one button, or touch one screen and life will become inordinately better.  It is self-delusion of a scale that in past centuries would have landed them inside mental asylums, and yet, today, is the true epoch of our modern age.

The saddest thing of all is that this sharing, caring, generation of internet zombies are, deep down, exactly the same as George.  They are all blithely unaware of the universe which lives outside of their own doorsteps.  It is as if the genius of Zuckerberg is that he has convinced us that we are regal in our kingdoms.  That we Gods of the touchscreens are able to shape the perceptions of others through tacit use of shock and awe.  That humanity is a community interconnected by screens.  It is not.  It is a living, breathing dying gaggle of gene machines.  Humanity cannot be saved by the power of want.  The force of intention does not put food in the bellies of refugees.  The awe of image cannot stop wars.  The divine power of the share button cannot stop people dying, no matter how many times you share a photograph of a dead child on a beach.

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?

On either side of your body, starting somewhere(hopefully) by your shoulders are a set of bones which you most likely know as your arms.  At the ends of your arms, are five pointy collections of bones which you will probably refer to as your fingers.  If you do, you are wrong.  Not wrong as in incorrect, but wrong is absolutely, unequivocally, unquestionably entirely NOT RIGHT.  It is quite possible that I have never ever met you.  It is likely that I have never even seen a photograph of  either one of your limbs.  Yet somehow, I can say with utter certainty that you have absolutely no idea about what is happening at the ends of either of your arms.

Picture the scene – it’s a crap day.  It is raining, the sky is greyer than a monk’s underpants.  It is lunchtime at a Primary School.  There are dozens of children filling a miserable concrete playground with enough kinetic energy to propel a small rodent to Saturn.  Two young boys get in an argument about a bench.  Although some other kids see parts of it, nobody sees all of it.  When the kids go home that evening the first boy tells his Mum that he was bullied.  The second boy tells his Dad that he got in a fight.  Nobody saw either boy strike the other, yet there were many witnesses to the first boy pushing the second.  Was it a fight?  Was it bullying?  Who was the winner?  Who was the victim?  How is possible that two small children that cannot possibly grasp the concept of advantageous lying  somehow do?  What if the first child is an only child?  What if the second child has two big brothers?  Who was right?  Who was wrong?

There are three conclusion we can draw from the tale of the two boys.  The first is that there is no such thing as a single truth.  The truth is pliable to the facts which weigh upon it.  The second is that our truth changes shape to accommodate any information we gain access to.  There isn’t such a thing as a certain truth, a pure truth that can never ever change.  The third is that a snapshot of a moment is so extremely misleading that only a fool would believe that they are privy to the whole story when they have only caught a glimpse of the truth.  If these conclusions are indeed valid why is it that so many people share images that have no other purpose than to shock, often alongside a hastily assembled slogan intended to draw a sense of guilt for a single event that took place within the myriad of  atrocities that are being carried out in the countless number of active war zones around the world?  Are we really that much more foolish online than in the real world?

There is an easy way to test this.  Extend your arms in front of you.  Now extend your fingers.  Now count them.  How many fingers are you holding up?  The answer dear friends, is eight.  And you can’t argue with that.  After all, it’s reality, isn’t it?

Struthio Camelus Socio Medius

The Struthio Camelus Socio Medius, better known as the Social Media Ostrich is remarkable for an Ostrich, as it is in no way related to any other Ostriches.  The Social Media Ostrich is a subspecies of the Humanas Wankerus, better known as Homo Sapiens.

The diet of Social Media Ostriches consists of absolutely anything, as long as it can be consumed whilst sitting in front of a computer or operating an app on a mobile telephone.  When its world view is threatened the Social Media Ostrich will bury its head in the sand.  If cornered it will attack with explicit language and poorly thought out arguments.

The Struthio Camelus Socio Medius can be identified by two distinct behaviours:

  • Regularly sharing chain statuses about social issues with absolutely no intention of devoting any of their time or money to tackle the problem.
  • Repeatedly taking offence at nonsensical issues.

If you ever find yourself in the same room as a Struthio Camelus Socio Medius I recommend exiting via the nearest window, irrespective of whichever floor you happen to be on, as any injuries you sustain will be a great deal less painful than a conversation with a Social Media Ostrich.  If ever you find yourself stranded in the Social Media Ostrich’s natural habitat, the internet, there are a few things you can do to protect yourself.  Never travel the electronic superhighway in groups of less than three.  If face to face with an enraged Struthio Camelus Socio Medius try to change the subject as quickly as possible to something less threatening, like anything involving kittens.  And if you find yourself the subject of a direct attack from a Social Media Ostrich the only thing you can do is ram hot pokers through your eyeballs.  It will not protect you from the attack but will at least prevent you from ever reading their meaningless diatribe.

Until the United Nations is willing to take action against these vicious creatures, millions of people’s lives will be affected every day.  At least 3 billion working hours will be wasted this year by people reading the spurious bile regurgitated by these monsters.  This situation must be stopped.  That’s why I am asking each and every one of my readers to share this blog post on all social media forums and then do absolutely nothing about it again, not even think about it for a moment.  This way, we can change the world as much as Social Media Ostriches do.

N.B  Feathered Ostriches do not actually bury their heads in the sand, it is a total fallacy.  When an Ostrich feels threatened it will do the same as we do, run.  However when an Ostrich is cornered and has no escape it turns into a kick boxing champion.  An Ostrich can kick hard enough to kill a full-grown lion.  Apparently Chuck Norris is approximately 62.5 percent Ostrich.

Dear Facebook II

Imagine you are sitting in a bar with your life partner.  She/he happens to be particularly anally retentive, and has an insatiable appetite for information.  As you are slowly drip feeding her/him every morsel of information regarding your unspectacular life you notice someone at the bar.  This person is alone.  Lots of people glance nervously at this person, many even recognise this person, but no one dares approach them.  On first inspection you suspect that this person is nothing special.  Maybe not even average.  But the longer your partner tries to suck information from your soul the more attractive that other person looks.  And that person is Googlina Pluss.

Thank you Facebook for informing me my timeline goes live from April 6th.  From all the things I pray for, having a timeline is up their with… genital warts, or even an anal cavity search.  There is a time or place for timelines and that is history lessons in Primary School.  From all the good you did as a weapon in the Arab Spring, I think it’s fantastic that you are such great advocates for freedom and free will in particular.  I especially appreciate the fact that you didn’t give me a choice.

That’s not to say that I blame you entirely.  The passive nature of the average human being makes taking such liberties so incredibly easy.  I am from a country whose last Prime Minister wasn’t elected, living on a continent with a President nobody voted for, where each country signed up to a constitution which a number of countries voted against.  We live in an age where it’s  illegal to smoke in public premises even if you happen to own them, where we can be detained in prison without charge for up to 28 days and where cucumbers are only allowed a bend of 10mm per 10cm in length, so believe me I understand why you feel able to disregard free will so readily.

Imagine a magician beside a dining table before an attentive audience.  On the dining table there are 257 table cloths.  On top of the table cloths is a full dining set.  The magican pulls away one cloth and the glasses and plates remain in place.  He is a magnificent magician, possibly the greatest in the history of the world.  He does it again and again and again.  He repeats the trick 257 times.  Despite the fact he is an extraordinary man he has to stop.  There is nothing more he can take from the table.  As the magician finishes his performance, he turns and swoops into a bow and realises that the audience has left.  That’s the trouble with repetition.  The more times people experience the same trick, the less chance there is that they will stick around.

For those of you that never read the original post here it is
And yes you can now find me on google+

My Tram Experience

I am a thirty-one year old immigrant.  I have been abused countless times on public transport.  Never once has the abuse been racial as I am a white man living in a predominantly white country.  It’s been xenophobic(kinda) as I have been abused for being Russian and German.  Once it was anti-semitic despite the fact that I am an atheist.  Its been for speaking English, not speaking polish to my English-speaking partner, for reading a book(in English) and countless times for not giving people money or cigarettes.  What it never has been is intelligent.

As most of you can guess I am indirectly linking my own experiences to the infamous racist British lady most will have already seen on you tube.  Without a doubt the video is horrific viewing.  Not because I am white, or because I am British but because I am human.

Despite the social advancements of the last 100 years racism is still evident in even the most progressive societies.  The fact that we are no closer to being rid of it suggests that it’s either here to stay or that we are clueless on how to deal with it.

The wave of public nausea felt upon the release of the publication of this video is a heartening example of civic action.  Social media is a new tool which people are still learning how to utilise.  However people must be wary how quickly martyrs can be made.

It would foolish to imagine that there are not more people like her.  The fact which troubles me far more than this one woman’s crass stupidity is that from the 6.8 million viewers 66k have been compelled to dislike it and 19k have liked it.  That is a ratio of just under one-third.

It is not an army of one.  Nor is it only a problem of the working classes.  We live in an age where our national football team is led by a man completely devoid of moral fibre.  It is a problem which everyone condemns but few confront.  I sincerely hope that this video may serve to spark the flame of idea which can often result in change.

Tackling a problem often requires first identifying it and then dismantling the root cause.  In my opinion it is not caused by poverty or social background but rather by ignorance.  My suggestion would be to not attack them but to shame them.

Some racists believe that racism is a worthwhile belief.  Using it as a label to attack them with is the linguistic equivalent of beating someone with a feather duster.  It’s much better to berate them for their lack of intellect.

Let’s make them famous for their stupidity, let’s ensure that everywhere they go people know just how oblivious to their retardation they are. Let’s enlist social media, let’s start websites like isyourneighbourracist.com with videos and names.  Let’s make sure that these people know that at every waking moment we are watching.  Let’s do something and let’s not stop until the last one has woken up to the fact that it is stupidity which is the biggest danger to our world and not other human beings.