As I previously mentioned, I have signed up to http://www.nanowrimo.org and have every intention of writing a 50,000 word novel in November. I am pumped and can’t wait for Tuesday to come around so I can get started. You can still sign up for a month of madness, so if you haven’t already put your name down for passage on this fantastic voyage do it now. You know you want to.
I have decided upon my subject for November. I feel it is quirky enough to get 50,000 words from. Not only that I get to fulfill a long-held personal ambition. Since I decided to participate I have had an idea in my head which has already started to take on a life of its own. I know that between now and the time I finished this project I will not be able to sleep. Today I filled in my synopsis on the NaNoWriMo website so I feel able to publicly share the very loose basis for the project. Of course it may change a thousand times through November but for today it is correct. So here you are, the brief outline to my new novel. Are you sitting comfortably?
There are three things which can irrevocably change a man’s life. Death, God and saying the wrong thing at precisely the wrong moment. Unfortunately for Professor Henry Tomlinson he has recently experienced all three. As Henry desperately tries to cling onto the remnants of his sanity he gets pursued by ninjas, hunted by journalists and stalked by priests. Can Henry get through this ordeal without losing his mind, and if he does what kind of Henry Tomlinson will remain?
Ever had one of those nights when you are hot and sweaty and can’t sleep. Just when the weight of your eyes become too much and they start to close you hear it. At first it’s barely perceptible, so you strain your brain and try to focus on the sound. ‘Bbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzz’. As it dives past you. It’s dark. Your partner’s sleeping. So you resist the urge to try to kill the mosquito. The trouble is now you know it’s there. Every twitch, quiver or bead of sweat crawling down your body makes you think that you are being eaten alive. It’s hard to separate fact from fiction. You feel something moving on your forehead. You try to wait to be sure. It’s too much to bear. ‘SLLAAAPPP’. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’
The miracles of Mother Nature never cease to amaze me. The sheer torture which a lone mosquito in your bedroom can create is incredible. It’s so small and visually harmless that it seems unfeasible that it can create such a night of terror that you wake up feeling like a serial killer. The optimist inside me hopes that we are all part of an ecosystem. That we all have a job to do on mother earth. However it doesn’t matter how deep in my soul I delve I still don’t see the point of the humble fucking mosquito. In fact I think the world would be a better place without them. I am certain they are either a mistake of God, or Satan is reincarnating accountants and lawyers as this horrible bloodsucking shits.
When your eyes are open to the trite nature of the universe you find it hard not to see other examples of such pointless biology. If you buy into this concept of intelligent design ask yourself how intelligent is designing an insect which sucks people’s blood and transmits disease. It’s not intelligent. It’s stupid. Or what about the Blobfish. Go on google it. It looks like an arse which has been turned inside out. How functional is that? I honestly don’t see a point to it unless you want to induce vomiting in a human.
It’s not just nature world which contains a fair degree of pointlessness its people too. Why on Earth design a being and give it the knowledge that one day it will die? You are giving the creature a perfect excuse to be miserable for the rest of its life. Why give this being a need for systems? It’s as if it was created to live and die inside a self-created cage. Why not give this creature freedom? Probably because we wouldn’t know what to do with it.
I hereby declare war on the humble Mosquito and all its kin. You are proof that evolution doesn’t work. Therefore I shall exterminate you for the benefit of mankind. And then I shall be declared a hero. And ordinary folk will raise statues in my name. And then I shall be dead. Just a name carved in stone. And that is alright by me.