Jingle Balls

Merry Christmas and that kind of thing.  I hate the end of every year.  The falsified happiness, the expectation that we celebrate the fact that we are all one year closer to death.  It is collective insanity.  A gazelle never turns around to a chasing tiger and offers it a drink so why should we?

The worst thing about Christmas is the music.  The same songs in every shopping centre, supermarket, taxi, television advert and radio station.  The same sentiments, the same words, the same ideas, the same tunes.  Nothing ever changes at Christmas.  It is a tinselled up groundhog day of misery, eating bad food, showing gratitude for things we do not want and being forced to interact with people we do not actually like.

Therefore I would like to propose to you not to partake in the annual misery competition.  Instead, read something awesome.  The kind folks at Amazon are giving away Mourning Morning eBooks from the 25th of December to the 29th.  Set yourself a reminder.  Get yourself a copy.

Thus all that is left for me to say is Jingle Balls and may the Jesus be with you all.

P.S. There is one Christmas song that is worth listening to.  You can find it below.

A Traditional Christmas Post

Today is the last day of the Christmas trilogy, otherwise known as Boxing Day.  For you Continentals not familiar with island practices, tradition dictates that on Boxing Day you must have a boxing match with the first person you see after leaving the house.  This morning was quite unfortunate for my Mum’s elderly 84-year-old neighbour, Alice.  However I am pleased to report that I knocked her out late in the seventh round.

I know what some of you may be thinking.  What an absurd tradition!  And you would indeed be right.  By and large traditions are absolute nonsense, and what makes them even more amusing is the fact that some people still cling onto them.  Christmas Day is a fine example.  If you ask people what we celebrate on Christmas Day, most of them will point to the fact that it’s the day Jesus Christ was born.  And they would be completely correct in their thinking if it wasn’t for the fact that they are completely and utterly wrong.  Jesus was actually born in April.  Historically December 25th is actually a Pagan holiday.

This year I spent the 25th searching for the spirit of Christmas.  What I can safely say,  is that it was definitely not Tequila, Vodka, Whisky or Brandy.  If the television is to be believed, the spirit of Christmas is ‘giving’.  Sadly the vast majority of people believe that ‘giving’ is the responsibility of  Santa Claus.  And they would be completely correct in their thinking if it wasn’t for the fact that they are wrong.  On my home island it’s about a visit from Father Christmas, and believe it or not, they are not the same person.

The point I am trying to make is that tradition is whatever you decide it is.  If you want to spend every New Years Eve naked, standing in a cardboard box, wearing a lampshade on your head whilst singing ‘Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ that is a matter for you, and you only.  Just don’t expect anyone else to join you, after all, one man’s tradition is another man’s laughing matter.

The Meaning Of Christmas

There are only six calendar days left before Christmas eve and as usual I am yet to even begin shopping.  I could blame it on my inertia, or my schedule or I could even blame it on the boogie.  However I shan’t.  Instead I will blame it on the fact that I despise Christmas.  It’s hard to put my finger on exactly why as there are so many reasons which work in my eyes.  Whether it be the mythical attachments, the commercialisation, the nonsensical ‘family’ time, or even the giving and receiving of things which nobody wants.  The thing which annoys me most of all is the constant string of bullshit which people come out with regarding the ‘Christmas’, ‘Christian’, ‘Festive’ spirit.  There is only one true spirit of Christmas and that is one of pure unadulterated insanity.

By definition a ‘religious’ celebration for a man who ‘purportedly’ lived 2000 plus years ago, despite the fact there is absolutely zero evidence that he did is something straight out of the Da Vinci code.  The idea that Christmas is some kind of religious celebration is absolute nonsense and has thankfully  been long forgotten by most countries.

Which brings us to Santa Claus.  Who unfortunately is yet another religious icon.  Saint Nicholas of Myra was a 4th century Greek Christian Bishop who was renown specifically for giving gifts to the poor.  Saint Nick is most famous for giving dowries to three daughters of an impoverished Christian so they wouldn’t have to become prostitutes.  Is this the true spirit of Christmas?  Should we not give gifts to each other and only to women we fear may become prostitutes?

Another interesting aspect of the ‘Festive’ spirit is the active promotion of lying.  The Christmas lies begin with misleading our children to believe in a 4th century Greek Bishop who now is the proud owner of a courier service slightly better than UPS.  A bishop who despite being dead for almost 1600 years now delivers presents to every child in the world in one night by using a sleigh and flying reindeer.  And yet we expect our children to grow up respecting us.  What happens when little Johnny goes back to school in January and asks young Abdul or Jewish Jacob what they got for Christmas?  When they say nothing is Johnny going to reply ‘of course chaps, I forgot for one moment what a beautiful and joyous multi-cultural society we reside in.’  Sadly not as another lie we propagate means that Johnny will know instantly why they didn’t get a present.  Who hasn’t heard ‘you have to be a good boy/girl/alien if you want Santa to bring you a present’?   So now Johnny believes that his friends are bad boys.  And Johnny wonders what exactly it is they did which is so bad, after all he set fire to the neighbours cat and still got a present.

The promotion of lies is nothing new, nor is the manipulation of pliable ideals.  The fact is Christmas is no longer Christian.  Nor is there a fixed spirit.  It is a commercial concept which has been twisted to fit the epoch in which we live.  And that epoch is one of meaninglessness.  Christmas has been refined as a celebration over 300 years.  It can have meaning if you try hard enough.  It has whatever meaning you want it to have.  For me this year is about giving gifts to women who I worry may become prostitutes and lying to children.  And if that isn’t admirable I don’t know what is.