Eeek-anomics

It may surprise some to learn that I am not in fact an Economist.  I want to clarify this at the very beginning.  I do not possess a single economic qualification.  I have never worked in finance.  Therefore many would say that I do not have the right to make any comment on this subject.  In my defence I want to point out that the people with the relevant qualifications, running the economies of our collective nations are doing a pretty damn awful job.  I sincerely believe that with my absolute lack of any useful knowledge I could do a just as appalling job as  any finance minister in Europe.  However there is only one thing stopping me becoming an Economist, and that is the knowledge that come the revolution we shall march out those bastards first and shoot them.

The second reason is that you cannot escape the term economic crisis for 24 hours unless you hide inside your wardrobe for the rest of your life.  In the past year alone I have watched over 6,502 hours of news reports about the economic crisis and read over 569,332 words regarding the said topic.  By all appearances it seems that all Finance Ministers actually do is appear on the news as often as possible and talk about the economic crisis without actually doing very much to stop the said crisis.

I will now introduce my financial theory entitled Biebernomics.  The theory goes as follows.  There is one Justin Bieber.  A record company pays him 1 million dollars per cd.  They make 2 million dollars for each cd.  Imagine if there were two Justin Bieber’s.  If a record company paid him 1 million dollars, they would only break even on the cd as there is another Justin Bieber out there eating up their sales.  Now imagine if there were 10 Justin Bieber’s.  For a record company to make a 50% profit they couldn’t pay him more than 100,000 dollars in order to come out with a profit.  The point is that even if you are as lovely as Justin Bieber, your value is only high as long because there is one of you.  The only way Justin Bieber could earn more money would be by killing all the other Justin Bieber’s out there until he is the only one.  And the same principle works well in economics.

The Euro zone suffers from too many Justin Bieber’s.  There are 14 printing presses producing money for 17 countries.  If one country decides they need more money they print it which increases the number of euros in circulation whilst reducing the value of those already in existence.  The problem is how exactly this Euro is valued.  In my attempts to find how the value of the Euro was created I stumbled across this gem.

‘Based on International Monetary Fund estimates of 2008 GDP and purchasing power parity among the various currencies, the euro zone is the second largest economy in the world.[7] from Wikipedia – Euro

In a nutshell the value of the Euro(which has been in circulation since 2002) is based upon estimates from the I.M.F, the same bunch of idiotic men in suits who steered the world economy directly into a financial crisis.  Basically a group of people guessed the value of the Euro.  A continent  has a currency which is based on the predictions a group of accountants made years ago.  The same group of people who were not able to predict that a global recession was on the horizon.  Excuse me, I know I am not any kind of financial genius but does that not sound a tad insane?

Money in itself is a form of hypocrisy.  We earn it, we save it, we love it, we all want more of it, yet most of us fail to realise that money is absolutely worthless.  The thing which we use to assess the value of the world we live in is completely and utterly worthless.  It only has value because we say it does, if one day we decided that it’s worthless it would be.  Many years ago the British Pound was directly linked to the value of gold.  Even now the notes retain a promise from the chairman of the bank of England.

‘But the value of the pound has not been linked to gold for many years, so the meaning of the promise to pay has changed. Exchange into gold is no longer possible and Bank of England notes can only be exchanged for other Bank of England notes of the same face value. Public trust in the pound is now maintained by the operation of monetary policy, the objective of which is price stability.’ from the Bank Of England’s website

So let me get this right, gold is no longer how we value the pound, instead we value it by monetary policy.  The fact is the British Government made this change because we don’t have any gold left.  Which means now that the value of the pound is linked to policy’s.  Idea’s in effect which only further proves that money has no real value.  This is a constant truth.  If a friend asks to borrow 10 pounds tell him you want 11 back.  Not only have you made a profit but you have changed the value of one 10 pound note.  It’s funny to think that we are the masters of money and not vice versa.  If what I say is true, what can we do to save Capitalism?

The global economic crisis has been worsened by growing instability.  The Euro is wobbling and may well be on the verge of collapsing.  For the European Union to be a success we all need a stable currency we can rally round.  My proposal is that the new currency should be named after the Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel.  The value of the Merkel will be set by me personally.  Every morning I shall find a picture of what Angela Merkel is wearing on that particular day and rate her hotness on a scale of 1 to 10.  Lets be honest she will never score less than a 4 and more than a 6.  Which means on her better days the Merkel will be worth 6 dollars, and on her worse days 4.  The Bierbernomics of the Merkel are distinctly positive.  Due to the fact there is only one Angela Merkel, and that there is almost zero chance that she has a twin or a clone, the Merkel is guaranteed to be a stable currency for many years to come.

I believe by correct application of Biebernomics and the introduction of the Merkel as the new European currency I have single-handedly saved the world from the largest financial crisis to strike the world since the second world war.  If you want to thank me feel free to leave a comment underneath,  or if you have any questions about Biebernomics and the Merkel or even if you wish to merely nominate me for the Nobel prize please feel free to do so.

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