Fear And Tortoises

My synopsis is finished, my cover letter is written and my sample from my manuscript is corrected.  I am ready to start sending out my novel.  NOT.  I have found yet another excuse.  I haven’t finished the last draft of the whole manuscript.  Initially I was thinking about sending it out and then finishing the draft, but my chosen target is likely to get back to me quickly so I feel like I would be better off waiting until I am 100% finished.  That is of course if they get back to me.  And that is where the fear lays.

If every human being is an animal then I am a rather miserable tortoise.  I grew up believing that fear is wrong so I would refuse to fear things.  Obviously I was afraid of many things like any normal kid but I would never admit that I was afraid.  Essentially when faced with something frightening I would retreat into my ‘house’ and wait till it was over.  Occasionally an annoying kid would prod and poke my house until I would eventually bite his fingertip off but by and large I was a hider.

As an adult I am just the same.  Right now I am desperately seeking things to fill up my time to avoid doing what I should be doing.  In some respects my subconscious is trying to stop me sending out my manuscript.  And that thought fills me with doubts.  Is it because I think my novel isn’t good enough?  Is it just plain fear of rejection?  I don’t know.  What I am certain of is that I am experiencing some form of mental menopause.  As I work through my novel I am having moments where I am amazed at how good some part of it is, I am also having other moments when I am gritted my teeth and physically fighting with the urge to burn it.  I guess the overwhelming fear is what happens when I get the first rejection.  I will finally stop being Scott the man and I will become Scott the Literary Failure.

Inactivity is the death of man.  We currently live in the laziest version of the world so far.  At 16 years old we are expected to know what we want to devote our lives to when no one ever attempts to teach us a thing regarding decision-making.  I am not blaming my ills on the world outside me.  I am more than conscious of how utterly stupid I am.  I just need to man up and grab life by the balls and ask it to dance.  In the meantime I am going away for the weekend……Is that a fail?

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