I’ve been quieter than a mouse trying to suppress a fart as it sneaks past a sleeping cat. There are a myriad of uninteresting reasons for that and strangely none of them involve a potato. Alas I am the bearer of some tidings.
For all of you buggers that read eBooks of an electronic variety and are off to lounge around the pool for a week or two sipping cocktails with the sole intention of coming back the colour of the average Essex girl in mid November, you can find practically my entire back catalogue for free throughout July right here on Smashwords. That’s the Non-stop Dancer, PiSlamistan, Mia, All Hallows’ Eve, Existence Is Futile and the Story of Albert Ross absolutely free to your eReaders. If you don’t do eBooks but know somebody who does share this good news. And if you or anyone you know happens to give them a try, please don’t forget to leave a review somewhere or God will quite probably kill a kitten.
In other news, rather unlike me, I have actually been writing. Book number three is well underway and features high commerce, gratuitous sex and mildly depressed fruit. It is quite obviously somewhat a niche market, however, I believe that if the world has a place for dinosaur erotica, I’m going to be just fine. In the meantime, be nice to each other and read books.
Some rather interesting news….
The gloriously absurd magazine Pickle Fork has published ‘The Non-stop Dancer’. If you haven’t yet read it yet you ought to be ashamed. Head over to Pickle Fork by clicking on this link and immerse yourself in the glory of spellbounding absurdity.
In the meantime I’m having a productive month and have been submitting more than Hulk Hogan. Be good and wear trousers. Until next time.
Ladies and Gentlemen, and all of you that are bored as you shuttle between work and polling stations, I have some good news, I can offer you something to read.
To commemorate the wonderful day in which the nation of Great Britain gets to choose between a turd sandwich, a turd roll, a turd panini and a turd baguette, I have decided to publish a #Brexit themed short story entitled ‘The Non-stop Dancer’.
For those of you that do eBooks you can get it here from #Smashwords
For those of that think you are man enough to read it in one go(it takes around 26 minutes) you can read it here on #Medium
And for those of that don’t eBook and would like to read it in digestible chunks, you can read it here on #Wattpad
All that’s left for me to say is go forth and read it. If you like it, share it. And if you love it, or hate it, you let me know what you think by leaving a review right here on #Goodreads
As promised, page 1 of ‘The Non-Stop Dancer’
In the beginning…
The light fantastic swayed before him, pulling him closer, like a semi-drunk date at a high school dance. He raised his arms to the ceiling and closed his eyes. The rhythm held him, and shook him to the core, a tsunami of life, a margarita of triumph, riding a wave of consciousness to the steady shores of understanding.
The colours danced before his very eyes, twisting and spinning, and turning and groaning, like a kaleidoscopic yogi dead set on impressing a much younger student. His legs, legs that resembled chicken drumsticks upon closer inspection, moved on their own, an entity separate from the motors that drove him. The arms that flailed before him, drew celestial shapes in front of him.
The dancer was no longer mortal, no long human, he had transposed, he had reached a new level, he was electric. He plucked items from the imagination of the carbon dioxide that surrounded him as his heart pumped a heady rhythm. There were big fish, there were little fish, there were cardboard boxes. It was the sermon on the mount, and he was Jesus, he was hope, the light and our salvation.
And the Lord said ‘let there be light’ and there was.
To celebrate the forthcoming election I will publish ‘The Non-Stop Dancer’ on June 8th. Check back here on the day to find out how to get your copy.