A New Year Message

Those of you that have been stopping by my blog for over a year may well remember that I am not a big fan of New Year’s Eve.  In fact I detest it.  It’s almost certainly the one party each year which is inevitably shit, that’s why this year I shall be avoiding New Year’s Eve parties like pandas avoid sex.  I don’t wish to waffle on too much about the matter as I laid out my position last year in a post entitled ‘New Year’s Evil’.  Instead I wish to share a few thoughts on New Year’s resolutions.

A resolution by definition, is a decision taken to do, or not to do something over the next calendar year.  The vast majority of unimaginative cretins are convinced that the only path to self-improvement is to disallow themselves from doing something they enjoy.  The usual suspects almost always relate to giving something up.  Usually smoking, drinking, eating, self-fellating, being irritating, breathing, wheezing, sneezing and stranger pleasing.  It’s as if the world has mistaken New Year’s resolutions for the entry requirements to a monastery.  And that dear friends is why the vast majority of people fail miserably in their quest for pointless self-improvement.

What most resolution makers fail to realise is that at heart the vast majority of human beings are hedonists, which means that the hardest things to stop doing are things which bring you pleasure.  By choosing such opus dei-like resolutions you are choosing the path to failure.  It’s like going to the casino and gambling to lose.  The most frustrating thing of all is the fact that people are so often blind to the fact that a resolution is something that you can decide to do.  It does not have to involve quitting something, it can involve starting something.  Common sense dictates that the most succesful resolutions are made by those people who actually choose to do something they will enjoy.

It’s with those thoughts in mind that I have decided to join in and make a few resolutions for myself:

  1. Every time I exit an occupied lift I will try to leave a fart behind.
  2. Every time I receive poor service, I shall complain.  Not only that, I shall enjoy complaining.
  3. In 2013 I will finish my next book, receive suitable acclaim for my new project, and try something so brave that I will require bollocks the size of Saturn’s moons to pull it off.
  4. And lastly.  Over the next year, I shall have more fun that I did in the last one.

P.S. If anyone has their own resolutions feel free to share them in the comments below.  That way we can check back in a years time and see how we fared.  Good luck to you all.  Oh and Happy New Year.

New Year’s Evil

The second night of this horror fest of fake social orgasms kicks off this Saturday.  This time no family are required, merely a group of friends hellbent on celebrating the fact that the Earth has rotated just one more time on its axis.  Oh and that you have to write the date a different way when you wake up.  Despite the apparent lack of value in New Year’s Evil a large number of people believe that there is some mystic specialness relating to it which only people who have visited Goa and have a beard can see.  I have a message for those people.  It’s bollocks.

By adding the words ‘it’s gonna be’  along with ‘wicked/great/awesome/the dog’s bollocks’ you as a reveller have already failed.  Several centuries ago the fore mentioned expressions were identified by social anthropologists as the curse of the idiot.  If you find yourself at a party this Saturday and are unfortunate enough to hear such expressions you must run very quickly and contact a real grown up, as the chance of having anything resembling fun or a good time with such morons is as likely as Fidel Castro revealing himself to be a woman.

Instead contend yourself with an altered reality for a moment.  In days long gone people would sacrifice goats, virgins and encyclopedia salesmen to mark the passing of the days.  Our generation have developed New Year’s Eve as a means to sacrifice our livers.  The only thing more pointless that a New Year’s Eve party is the lives of the people saying it’s wicked whilst they are at a New Year’s Eve party.

Prepare yourself now for midnight by singing the first line of a song and mumbling the rest.  Start thinking of a things you could pretend you want to change or give up  before giving up the giving up a fortnight from now.  Hone your social skills by spending everyday between now and the party drunk, and walking up to strangers and telling them that you fucking love them and that you will definitely call them.  Stock up on fireworks now, because if you don’t try to blow your fingers off when the bell strikes midnight your neighbors are going to be deeply disappointed.  And last but not least, steel your stomach for the quaffing of cheap unpronounceable champagne by drinking a litre of vodka now and drinking your own piss at midnight.

Wherever you happen to be in the world, wherever you go for your New Year’s Evil party, bear this one thought in mind. All over the world there are billions of people having just as shit a time as you, and some of them might be people you hate.  As the wise men say, every cloud has a silver lining.  Until next time, I sincerely hope each and every one of you has a Crappy New Year!