The Self-Isolation Blues

We have reached an awkward time in our great nation’s history where the vast majority of us are trapped at home desperately trying to find a way to avoid all of those jobs we have promised our spouses and ourselves that we were going to complete whilst knowing deep down that we had more intention of riding downhill sitting on a cactus in a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel over speed humps.

I, like the rest of you, have a list of things I should be getting on with which are not procrastination, and like you I am completely failing.  Therefore in the name of doing as little as possible, I have made all the wonderful stories I have published free on Smashwords as part of the author gives back sale.  The aim of the sale is as it says in the title, to give back.  If our stories offer a sense of distraction, maybe the odd snicker, or provoke some form of cognitive function then we will be doing our bit to fight the self-isolation blues and hopefully offer some comfort in the darkest of times.

Thus all that is left to say is go forth my friends, stay indoors and take care of everyone that you love.  To download the 47th best collection of stories written by someone named Scott Andrews, click here.

Till next time.

Jingle Balls

Merry Christmas and that kind of thing.  I hate the end of every year.  The falsified happiness, the expectation that we celebrate the fact that we are all one year closer to death.  It is collective insanity.  A gazelle never turns around to a chasing tiger and offers it a drink so why should we?

The worst thing about Christmas is the music.  The same songs in every shopping centre, supermarket, taxi, television advert and radio station.  The same sentiments, the same words, the same ideas, the same tunes.  Nothing ever changes at Christmas.  It is a tinselled up groundhog day of misery, eating bad food, showing gratitude for things we do not want and being forced to interact with people we do not actually like.

Therefore I would like to propose to you not to partake in the annual misery competition.  Instead, read something awesome.  The kind folks at Amazon are giving away Mourning Morning eBooks from the 25th of December to the 29th.  Set yourself a reminder.  Get yourself a copy.

Thus all that is left for me to say is Jingle Balls and may the Jesus be with you all.

P.S. There is one Christmas song that is worth listening to.  You can find it below.

2016 – What a Year it’s been

As 2016 draws to a close thousands of talented celebrities from around the world will be crossing their fingers in desperate hope that they can hang on for a tiny bit longer.  It is irrefutable. 2016 has been a bastard to the famous.  Thankfully I am only a Y list celebrity and thus so far have been spared.

I am the one that looks considerably less cool….

I refuse to see the entire year as something all bad.  On a personal level it was a year of firsts.  I finally visited New York which was just awesome.  I threw myself out of an aeroplane without any sensible reason.  I appeared on stage for the first time, rather than my customary position in the shadows, and bizarrely people laughed.  Not at me either.  But with me.  I think.  Somehow during all of this I learned something important about myself.  The greatest of pleasures stem from escaping my own comfort zone.

This year I largely took a well earned break from writing.  I tried to write a few half-arsed ideas which all proved to be little more than brainfarts.  Eventually reality stepped in and put a boot in my bottom.  And that’s how the novelette PiSlamistan was born.  It lead me to getting a wide variety of threats and abuse, including accusations of Judaism, communism and photographs of dead babies.  It also led to the first Polish translation of my work.  So I would like to say a hearty thank you to each and every person that took the time to send me hatred.  Without you, none of this would be possible.

2016 saw the release of ‘We Are Sorry’, one of the longest running music projects I have worked on.  There were music videos to ‘God Doesn’t Love You’ and ‘Walec’.  It was both amazing and at the same time a massive relief to finally see it come to fruition as the origins of the project go back a number of years. I believe we made a huge mistake by not calling our first album ‘Greatest Hits’ as it would have saved us from ever having to record another album.

All that is left for me to say to my readers, groupies, and troll army is Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

P.S. In the spirit of the festive season the good people at Amazon have decided to give Mourning Morning away for free on the Amazon Kindle Store on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Freebies and Fourbies

It’s been a while since I have posted an update on my literary babies and the odd projects that I am somehow involved in so I thought I should share some news.

On Thursday the 26th of November, to commemorate my entry into middle-life misery, Amazon will be giving away the kindle version of ‘Mourning Morning’ absolutely free.  That’s right, you can read my book without the fear of even a penny going to me.  So do it, and enjoy the fact that I am a starving, struggling, writer that lives under a bridge with a hobo called Johnny Wanxard.

To further commemorate another year survived, the price of the paperback edition of ‘Mourning Morning’ has been slashed harder than Freddy Kruger’s underwear that time he had public lice.  You can order it by clicking here.

Nook readers can now get ‘Mia’ for free, directly from the Barnes and Noble store.  You can find it right here.

For those of you in Poland.  On Saturday the 28th of November you can go and see my new band play their first live concert at the Europejskie Targi Muzyczne in Warsaw.  You, or should I say, Yu, can find all the details right here.

I rarely use this blog as a platform to ask for help, however, for once I can only to try to use it for the power of good.  In my hometown of Harlow, something terrible is happening.  The single live music venue is being closed down and it is awful news.  ‘The Square’ in Harlow, was the first place that ever gave a stage to an original song by me. The song in question was Wet Dream performed by the magnificent Dwarf Antidote. Since then a billion miles have passed, I have swapped writing angry teenage punk for uplifting Polish electro and the very venue that offered a forum for many others like me is closing down and it utterly depresses me. ‘The Square’, for most of that have inhabited the place at some point in our lives, is a sanctuary, a safe place away from alcohol-fuelled testosterone inspired pissing competitions found in nightclubs in so many towns. It has always been a place where you could be yourself, no matter how ridiculous that self is, and that for one is worth celebrating. Now we have a chance to say thank you. ‘The Square’ is in the running to be voted ‘Britain’s Best Small Venue’ by NME magazine.  Anybody can vote, regardless of location, and you can do so by clicking here.  Go on, it will only take a minute and it may well save a special place for so many people.

And if my pleas have fallen off death ears, make yourself a coffee, or pour a beer, or whatever it is you people do and watch this video which explains precisely why you should #SaveTheSquare

Mourning Morning Is On Sale

Here it is.  D-Day.  ‘Mourning Morning’ is no longer just mine.  Before I begin my descent into post-publishing depression let me share the details with you.

‘Mourning Morning’ will, at least for the time being, be available exclusively via Amazon.  You can buy a paperback, or for you modern kids, an eBook.  The good news for those of you that are members of Kindle Prime you can now borrow the book for no cost.  It is also enrolled in the Kindle MatchBook scheme which means that if you buy the Paperback you will have the opportunity to buy the eBook at a much reduced rate.

All that is left is for me to share the links:

Buy ‘Mourning Morning’ paperback

Buy ‘Mourning Morning’ for Kindle

And once you’ve read it don’t forget to leave a review on Goodreads..

‘Mourning Morning’ on Goodreads