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Very Broad Indeed

It’s just another update but this one is slightly different, as it’s not only about book availability, it’s also about how I am broadening my horizons to help me on my path to world domination.  Or something like that.

The first thing I would like say contains three words and will probably make some of you make the same noise Scooby Do does when he is puzzled – ‘Danish Coffee Festival’.  I can hear how hard you are scratching your head from here.  Stop it, before it bleeds.    As part of the Festival which takes place in Copenhagen on the 8th and 9th of September the organisers have asked people to send in stories relating to anything and everything connected with coffee.  So I did.  You can read it here.  Entry is free to everyone, so if you have anything to say about coffee, why not submit?  After all, it is the name of black liquid magic.

The next item on the agenda is that it is true, I have started a football career.  That is football writing.  I could have been a Premier League footballer if it wasn’t for the fact that I have no desire to pay pvc clad Grandmothers for sex.  Therefore I have settled on writing football.  My first article is already on-line at a website called State of the Game.  You can read my debut article here.

I know a number of people have been asking me when ‘Existence Is Futile’ will finally be available in Poland.  I am delighted to say NOW!  Today I discovered that it is available on Kraina Ksiazek .  On the subject of the ‘Existence Is Futile’ paperback, I have to say that it is spreading through Scandinavia like rumours of a new celebrity sex video on the internet.  The awfully nice chaps at cdon.com have made it available on cdon.no, cdon.se, cdon.dk and cdon.fi.  It’s also available via another vendor in Finland – bookplus.fi  Incidentally if you happen to read any stories in the papers about a rise in the suicide rate in Finland, it has absolutely nothing to do with my book.

The first reviews of ‘Existence Is Futile’ are starting to dribble through on the electronic superhighway, and so far have been mostly positive.  If you have read ‘Existence Is Futile’ or ‘The Story of Albert Ross’ and have enjoyed them, please try to find the time to write a review, as they help me immensely.  Also I would like to remind all of you that the photo competition on Facebook is still in effect.  No winner will be declared until the 8th of September.  All you need to do is to take a photo of yourself reading ‘Existence Is Futile’ in an unusual or imaginative situation, upload it to Facebook and tag the ‘Existence Is Futile’ group.  So get snapping.  Let’s see how creative you lot really are.  Until next time.

Unleash Your Inner Wildebeest

I, Scott Andrews, liver of 31 earth circles have never read a self-help book.  Furthermore my self is entirely unhelped.

Recently I went to see the doctor about it.  I said ‘doctor I don’t what know to do, my self is entirely unhelped.’ He looked at me sadly and shook his head.  After about a minute he spoke – ‘Mr Andrews you clearly need to unleash the inner you’.

There was only one thing holding me back.  Deep down, I knew that I had absolutely no idea how to unleash my inner me.  I headed straight to my local book shop to be confronted my an enormous shelf full of titles such as ‘How to Win Friends & Influence People’, ‘Awaken the Giant Within’, ‘How to Write a Best-Selling Self-Help Book’, ‘Humped Me, Dumped Me’, ‘How to Lose Weight in Only 7 Shits’ and ‘How to Stop Wanking off Tramps’.  Unfortunately for me they didn’t have a book entitled ‘Unleash the Inner You’.  In my time of great need, self-help books had failed me.  It was down to me to help my self.

There is only one place people go nowadays when they are in need of help, to the electronic superhighway.  I went home and switched on my computer.  And then I asked the Goddess of knowledge in the 21st century, Google,  ‘how does one go about unleashing one’s inner self ?’  She didn’t let me down, the joyous gatekeeper of all things wise.  According to her, the only way to unleash the inner me is to listen to it.

For the last three days I have sat in my underpants waiting for my inner me to speak.  I now suspect that my inner me is actually a Buddhist monk that has taken a vow of silence.

I have started to worry that I don’t have an inner me as my self has been entirely unhelped for so long.  Or maybe my inner me and my outer me have fallen out.  The trouble is that I am certain that there is no way to release my inner wildebeest until they get back on speaking terms.  Perhaps I could persuade one of them to apologise?

If this experience has taught me anything at all, it’s the fact that people with inner and outer me’s are mental.  It’s yet another example of how fucked up our world is.  A hundred years ago people who listened to the voices in their heads were called lunatics.  Nowadays they are merely unleashing their inner selves.  And yet no one out there seems to care about the plight of these inner selves.  It’s as if no one has realised that the reason they are called inner is because they belong on the inside, much the same as a sea-horse belongs in the sea, and a piss head belongs in a pool of his own piss.  There is nothing left for me to do, I’m off to email Bono.

Rock Down To Electric Avenue

It’s great to finally be able to announce that ‘Existence Is Futile’ is now available as an Ebook.  Initially it is available on all Amazon channels including Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com aswell as Smashwords.com.  In the coming weeks it should also become turn up on Barnes & Noble and iTunes.  As soon as I get any news on those fronts I will let you know.

The Ebooks were the last items on my checklist, with their completion it means that I can finally start focusing on other things.  I feel a combination of relief and fear.  Relief that I have finally finished my to do list and fear that ‘Existence Is Futile’ is finally out of my hands.  I wonder if this is what it feels like to leave your child at the school gates on their first day?

I had  another peculiar discovery recently.  My book is available in Japan via Junkudo.co.jp  It’s certainly the record for the furthest from me.  I doubt I will sell a copy there but it amuses me to imagine that somewhere in Tokyo there is someone reading ‘Existence Is Futile’ in a sushi bar and that maybe I will somehow convince them that ninjas exist.  Now that would be something to be proud of.

More News…

It appears that ‘Existence Is Futile’ is spreading faster than the plague.  It’s amazes to me that it is already available from so many places, and yet the list keeps growing day by day.  The important additions to today’s list are Waterstones in the UK, who also happen to deliver internationally (certainly to Poland – I know from my own experience) and Foyles.  This is absolutely fantastic news as it means that the three biggest bookshops in Britain now sell my book.

However it is not champagne time yet as I know that availability is still restricted in a number of countries.  All is not lost as it is a situation that is changing with time.  Of course it’s slightly more difficult for me to spot book vendors in other languages but I am giving it a go nonetheless.  Today I can announce that two booksellers in  Norway and Italy have joined the dark side, and I am certain more will follow.

Norway – biit.no

Italy – bol.it

It may have escaped some of you that I recently announced a book signing in Harlow.  You can find all the details on the ‘Existence Is Futile’ page on Facebook.  Just to clarify one more time, I will not have any copies of my book with me.  If you want me to sign a copy you need to order one from one of the numerous sellers and bring it with you.  That’s all I have for now.  Until next time.

WH Smith Has Joined The Darkside

Just another quick update to let you know that ‘Existence Is Futile’ is now available from those lovely people at WH Smith.  That’s right WH Smith.  The bookshop which I walked past almost every single day whilst I was at secondary school.   It feels strange to say and to be honest it still feels a little far fetched.  Alas it is true.  If anyone wishes to pop in and ask for ‘Fly Fishing’ by JR Hartley, or ‘Existence Is Futile’ by Scott Andrews please do.  As it is exactly what I intend on doing next time I am on the island.

I feel a little guilty for spamming you all with news at the moment so I thought that I would at least give you a peek into the future.  Shortly I will resume editing my other novel.  It’s unpublished as of yet.  It is  a considerably longer story about a number of bizarre events in a fictional country.  What can I tell you about it without giving too much away?  The bad news is that it doesn’t contain any ninjas.  The good news is that it does, in fact, contain a joke about toilets.  When I finish it, I will resume my fruitless effort of trying to find a publisher brave enough to take a risk.  Hopefully the fact that I have one book published already might help.

In the coming weeks I expect to see both of my stories appear in a number of other online bookstores.  If you happen to be a bookseller or a bookbuyer and you stumble across either of them anywhere, please let me know so I can link them to this site, as I am finding it harder and harder to keep track of where they are appearing.  Just today I discovered that ‘Existence Is Futile’ is now available via the bookdepository.co.uk

Thanks to those of you that have bought ‘Existence Is Futile’ and ‘The Story of Albert Ross’.  If you liked either of them don’t forget to review them.  Almost all booksellers websites allow you to.  And it’s your reviews which can convince strangers to follow your path.  Until next time.