Author: Scott Andrews

Le Courage Et La Baguette

True courage is easily quantifiable.  It is measurable.  It is a valuable method by which we can judge ourselves.  Recently, I discovered something about courage in the most unlikely of places…. France.

It was with great trepidation that I made my way by planes, trains and automobiles to the city of Nantes.  My head was full of confused prejudices.  It was as if I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to like France, but was unable to put my finger on exactly why.  Stereotypes aside, I had absolutely no idea what I was letting myself in for.  Nantes.  Nantes.  In my English accent it sounds like the plural for a group of nuns.  A Pride of Lions and a Nantes of Nuns.

The Elephants are rising up…

Imagine my delight when I discovered that Nantes is not actually a group of nuns, but a rather enchanting city.  Nantes boasts a magnificent gothic cathedral (from the outside at least) with a collection of gargoyles which look like photographs of my family, two rivers, an incredible mechanical elephant and a charming old town which gives Nantes a vibe which made my inner Bohemian drink absinthe with joy.  On top of that we were lucky enough to be visiting during Le Voyage a Nantes, an artistic trail featuring countless art installations which essentially give the city the equivalent of Bohemian warp speed, so much so that I am sure that I can play the accordion just because I have visited there.

Another highlight was the visit to Parc du Puy du Fou.  The park is a kind of theatrical theme park which gives children and adult children alike, the opportunity to both walk through and observe different ages.  We watched Musketeers, Knights, Vikings and Gladiators leap and dive and slice and stab with such a swashbuckling panache that my swash was well and truly buckled.  There were a few oddities, such as the fact that every child in France appeared to be there, that the actors were all miming from a recording and that the Vikings only pillaged and didn’t rape.  The highlight of the day was a simply astonishing display of over forty different species of birds of prey.

Some fit birds…

They swooped over us at such a close proximity that if I would have reached skywards I would quite probably have been able to touch them.  However I have always enjoyed having two arms, and didn’t see any reason to change that.  Parc du Puy du Fou is worth a visit for the birds alone, and that’s no disrespect to the astounding special effects and the incredible cinema-like sets.  Without a doubt Parc du Puy du Fou is truly a unique experience.

Part and parcel of travelling is always the stories you go home with.  None make me smile as much as the morning I volunteered to go the boulangerie to buy a baguette.  I entered the shop and said heartily ‘La Baguette’.  The man behind the counter merely pointed at the 6 variations standing behind him.  Panic set in as I realised that I had absolutely no idea which I should take.  Despondently I muttered the word ‘shit’.  The man then handed me a baguette.  As I walked back to the flat I was somewhat panicked as I privately feared that I had inadvertently bought a shit baguette.  Our host then explained that it was a traditional baguette which only served to confuse me further as I thought that a traditional baguette would be a fairly good one.  Regardless of what type of baguette it was I can happily inform you that it definitely wasn’t shit.

Was this the courage I mentioned?  Was it the courage to buy a baguette solo?  Not really.  The courage to stay calm when you are terrified that an eagle is going to shit on your head?  Not exactly.  It is the courage to admit that you were wrong.  After all, it must be difficult or everyone would do it.  Now where did I put my beret…..

 
 

A Very Important Announcement

Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that my debut novel ‘Existence Is Futile’ is going to be published by the good folks at FeedARead.  Presently, I do not have an exact date, however as soon as I have more information I shall let you know.

For now what I can do is present you with the cover…. 

For those of you that would like to find out a little about what’s inside, you can now find the book description on www.feedaread.com

Thank you kindly for your attention and remember to keep checking back here for more information.

Egyptian Fish

We are all Egyptian fish.  By that I do not mean that we stink, or that we are slimy.  Nor that we all live in Egypt, or in water.  What I mean by that, is that we are all, in fact, Egyptian fish.

Recently I watched a Polish film called ‘W Ciemnosci'(English translation: In Darkness) and found myself both disturbed and moved by it.  In Darkness tells the story of a man named Leopald Soha in Nazi occupied Lvov in the Second World War.  What sets this film apart from most war films is its refusal to romanticise war.  Instead it focuses on what survival must have been like.  Ultimately, the picture it presents is one of opportunism and fear.  Traditionally a film on this subject has a clear dividing line between heroes and villains, In Darkness doesn’t.  It forces you to draw that line.  And that is exactly why it is so difficult to watch.

The problem, in the case of World War Two is that when an image is projected often enough it can become an accepted truth.  Cinema has made the very picture black and white.  The brave Brits with their stiff upper lips and the gung-ho Americans and the sinister evil Nazi’s is blasted at us so frequently that we have somehow become detached from reality a long time ago.  This idea has been thrown at us so many times that it has become our accepted truth.  Despite the fact there is so much the vast majority of us don’t know.  For example, how many people know about the Brits who served Hitler?  Or the Sikhs, Muslims or Chinese?  Or the truth about Dresden?

Selective ignorance has great value to those who can find a way to justify it to themselves.  Our governments try to raise us with a strong sense of democratic nationalism.  They want us to believe that our nation is superior.  To reinforce this ideal they often need to edit our nations history to fit it snugly.  Yet they constantly overlook the fact that not everybody is an idiot.

We, as people, do exactly the same thing.  Take from example a married man who habitually cheats on his wife.  He may say that he cannot leave his wife for a number of reasons.  The most common being ‘for the kids’.  Is it really in a child’s interest to be raised by parents that do not love each other?  Or the woman who routinely ends up in bed for single nights at a time.  The most common regret is often ‘I thought he wanted to be with me’.  Why is it difficult for a woman to say that she likes sex?  The common denominator is that we tend to lie to promote a better vision of ourselves to others.  What we may actually feel is secondary.

The fact is that we habitually propagate nonsense to protect ourselves from honest feeling.  It is and will always be easier to say that I failed because of someone else.  That the problems in my relationship are because of my partner and not me.  The reason we do this is to avoid accepting that some aspects of our character are not virtuous.  In much the same way as a nation tends to sweep its crimes under the carpet, we as people do this too.  We do this to prevent us from ever seeing ourselves for who we really are.

The reason we are all Egyptian Fish should be obvious by now.  We are all Egyptian Fish, as we all, whether we like it or not, are in de Nile.

For those of you that are interested here is a trailer for In Darkness with English subtitles.

My Disappearing Act

I haven’t posted anything for a month for two reasons.  The first is that I have been busy editing novel number two.  The second is that real life has been getting in the way.

Between various trips, visitors and damn right boring responsibilities I have had very little time to think.  After living that way for a number of weeks I have found that I am drowning in a sea of passive indifference.  It’s as if I finally understand what it is to feel normal.

In the past month I have discovered that Harold and Maude is a fantastic film, Danish people eat spunk Yes, really....and that I can’t decide if I am indecisive or not.

As Poland steels itself for EURO 2012 I must take my hat off to the homeless bums of Warsaw.  In the past few weeks many of them have managed to get their hands on a pair of crutches in time for the tournament.  Sadly the bums have shown a greater aptitude for innovation than the organisers.  If only they could have planned the whole tournament…..

That’s all for now I shall leave you with Poland’s official song for EURO 2012 Koko Koko Euro Spoko (Yes, really…)

Struthio Camelus Socio Medius

The Struthio Camelus Socio Medius, better known as the Social Media Ostrich is remarkable for an Ostrich, as it is in no way related to any other Ostriches.  The Social Media Ostrich is a subspecies of the Humanas Wankerus, better known as Homo Sapiens.

The diet of Social Media Ostriches consists of absolutely anything, as long as it can be consumed whilst sitting in front of a computer or operating an app on a mobile telephone.  When its world view is threatened the Social Media Ostrich will bury its head in the sand.  If cornered it will attack with explicit language and poorly thought out arguments.

The Struthio Camelus Socio Medius can be identified by two distinct behaviours:

  • Regularly sharing chain statuses about social issues with absolutely no intention of devoting any of their time or money to tackle the problem.
  • Repeatedly taking offence at nonsensical issues.

If you ever find yourself in the same room as a Struthio Camelus Socio Medius I recommend exiting via the nearest window, irrespective of whichever floor you happen to be on, as any injuries you sustain will be a great deal less painful than a conversation with a Social Media Ostrich.  If ever you find yourself stranded in the Social Media Ostrich’s natural habitat, the internet, there are a few things you can do to protect yourself.  Never travel the electronic superhighway in groups of less than three.  If face to face with an enraged Struthio Camelus Socio Medius try to change the subject as quickly as possible to something less threatening, like anything involving kittens.  And if you find yourself the subject of a direct attack from a Social Media Ostrich the only thing you can do is ram hot pokers through your eyeballs.  It will not protect you from the attack but will at least prevent you from ever reading their meaningless diatribe.

Until the United Nations is willing to take action against these vicious creatures, millions of people’s lives will be affected every day.  At least 3 billion working hours will be wasted this year by people reading the spurious bile regurgitated by these monsters.  This situation must be stopped.  That’s why I am asking each and every one of my readers to share this blog post on all social media forums and then do absolutely nothing about it again, not even think about it for a moment.  This way, we can change the world as much as Social Media Ostriches do.

N.B  Feathered Ostriches do not actually bury their heads in the sand, it is a total fallacy.  When an Ostrich feels threatened it will do the same as we do, run.  However when an Ostrich is cornered and has no escape it turns into a kick boxing champion.  An Ostrich can kick hard enough to kill a full-grown lion.  Apparently Chuck Norris is approximately 62.5 percent Ostrich.